Are you feeling angry this Monday morning? Are you having feelings of disgust over the sorry state of your favorite football team? Are you contemplating grabbing a helmet and heading over to Arrowhead Stadium for a tryout? After all, you couldn’t possibly do worse than the clowns out there running around in red and gold right now, could you? In this world the possibilities are endless! We invite you to listen to some of the exciting possibilities, straight from our sponsors!
Not the physical type? Maybe coaching is your game! Grab a clipboard and pencil and start drawing up some X’s and O’s. Why, with your special brand of know it all offensive and defensive play design the Chiefs are sure to go from the basement to the penthouse so fast that the suction caused by the teams improbable rise to glory will surely suck the clothes right of Megan Fox’s body.
Not one for game-day pressure? Why not try your hand as new GM of the Kansas City Chiefs. What with your keen ability to evaluate the needs of a football team you will surly be able to fill the gaping holes on the Chiefs roster in a single draft and fee agency period. Sure it takes others a couple of years to build a solid foundation for a football team, but not you! You’re going to be Dan Snyder, Al Davis and Carl Peterson all rolled up into one. Team needs 4 offensive linemen, 3 linebackers, 2 receivers and depth at a host of other positions? No matter. Not only are you going to fix this right away, you are going to do it in one season! Nay, by the third game!
Impossible you say? Well here in the Land of Make Believe anything is possible!
Brought to you by the people from the Land of Make Believe!
And now a word from the folks over at TLR.
We urge you all to leave the land of make believe. Right now there are two Lands of Make Believe in the Chiefs Kingdom. There is the Homer Territory and the Gloom-Doom Province. Both are of equal size and absurdity. Both are also completely invented in the minds of a frustrated and hopeful fan base. If you have bought land in one of these two frontiers and your stake in its existence real or not is so high that you will never leave than hop aboard the trolley and say high to King Friday for me.
For those of you who think both of those places sound as appealing as a Jason Whitlock lead aerobics class, I invite you to join me on a tiny strip of land just between the Homer Territory and the Gloom-Doom Province. A little place we have decided to call; Reality!©
Reality© is small sure, but we are actively recruiting new residents. Moving is a big life change so we want to share with you a few facts about the views of those living in Reality© currently so you’ll know just what kind of neighborhood you are going to be living in.
- Here in Reality©, hard as it may be, we do our very best to separate the past from the present. The present is very important to us here in Reality©. We know that the Chiefs have stunk for a couple of years now. But we also realize that nearly half the team that stunk so badly last year is gone. While that old team stunk for 32 games, this new team has only stunk for 3. That’s right. In Reality© preseason games don’t count. They are practice and we know it.
- Here in Reality© we know that when a player is outmatched he will often cheat a little bit to try to even the playing field. We know part of this is mental of course and that discipline is important, however, we also realize that a coach can tell a player not to hold all he wants but if the player is choosing between letting a blocker by to destroy is QB or holding to give the man an extra second, more often than not, coaching aside, the player is going to try to protect his QB, which after all, is his first priority. Well, unless that player is Damion McIntosh of course! He could never get close enough to the rusher to hold him. Ha ha ha.
- Here in Reality© we know time and repetition is important. We’re quite aware that the Eagles have had a system in place for a long, long time and that the Chiefs have had a system in place for well, 3 games. We are aware that expecting the Chiefs a team with little depth and very repetition in their new system to compete with a Super Bowl contender like the Eagles is like trying to outrun death himself.
- We know that everyone to the right of Brian Waters is a backup at best. We like math here in Reality.© Let me give you a sample problem.
Bad Blockers + Good Defense – D-Bowe = Bad, Bad News.
Or here is another.
2 Losing Seasons + New Coach + GM + Schemes + Expected Growing Pains = Bitchy and Unreasonable Fan Base Looking For Someone To Blame
Lastly, here in Realiy© we know that building things takes time. We know that you can look at plans all you want but that you won’t really know how the building will look until it is completed. We know the building doesn’t always look so great while it is in construction but usually, when finished, it is much easier on the eyes. We do believe in accountability here in Reality© but we also believe in realistic expectations. We find when we have unrealistic expectations, like that the Chiefs should be able to go blow for blow with the Eagles, we find ourselves feeling extra angry when they don't. We firmly believe that even if Jesus Christ himself was calling plays for the Chiefs, that if the line can’t block the defense not many of His plays will work and the Chiefs will lose.
We think we need to give the Chiefs players some time to improve and settle into their new schemes and roles. We know that some will and some won’t, in which case we expect the Chiefs to get some new players. We are quite aware that this will take another off-season, maybe even two! We know that if after that time, the team still stinks then people will be held accountable and they will be fired.
And we know for sure that 3 games aren’t enough to predict anything.
And for those of you still on the fence I want to promise you that Reality© can be a wonderful place.
To prove as such, we now have a word from Megan Fox.