Remember to rec' the sh*t out of this because it's not gonna get main-paged because Joel's scared of sitting next to Jason Whitlock someday, and we want it to at least hang around in the top fanposts...

via livinginstereo.com

At least we didn't go with the "couch" photo again, eh J-dub?

Just about every week, at least during Chiefs season, Jason Whitlock puts out a column for the KC Star.  Overall, we're a fan.  His columns while they lack in accuracy and shameless chase sensationalist attention usually 'move the ball' somewhere, if not forward, which is more than most small market sports columns.

However, over the years Jason's slipped into a bit of a formula and God knows he's never been afraid to mix a metaphor or dumb things down linguistically or logically.  So for that and various other crimes against the English language and basic logic, we present "Fun with Big Sexy."

For those familiar with "Fire Joe Morgan" and KSK's weekly Peter King MMQB blow-up, it's a familiar concept: take a writer/figure compelling enough to keep us reading, yet irritating enough to throw us into a rage, and then stream of consciously rip it apart.

(We look forward to UCrawford's point by point meta-FJM style ripping apart of this post)....

Author's editorial note: If Jason you ever do read this, and we HIGHLY doubt that, we want to reiterate that we're genuinely thankful you're in Kansas City and have enjoyed your columns for years.  We mean it when we say, we only hurt the ones we love...

Let’s hope Todd Haley spent Sunday night standing in front of a mirror, screaming at himself.

Yes, because who doesn't want the criminally insane coaching their team?

If he holds himself to the same standards as his players, he might be on the waiver wire this morning.

Except that not how it works for coaches Jason, and really, we're all enjoying your sarcastic journalistic flights of fancy but in two sentences you've constructed bad metaphors violating both the concept of the "self and others" and the vital sporting concept of "coach and player."  Moreover, put rules, logic, and style aside for a moment.  Haven't you already documented we have NO IDEA what the "standards" being used around Arrowhead are anymore?

His coaching display Sunday afternoon against the Oakland Raiders was an embarrassment, as bad as anything I’ve seen in the NFL.

Wait, you followed Herm Edwards for two years?  Didn't you exasperation meter permanently break after Brett Favre's preseason game against the Chiefs?  That's two straight wins he's DISGRACING the game of football with!

Losing at home to these Raiders on a day when JaMarcus Russell unseated Ryan Leaf as the most ill-prepared quarterback in league history required a special level of coaching incompetence — a combination of arrogance, flawed logic and lack of self-control rarely seen on network TV.

Oh, a Ryan Leaf joke, how timely, all out of Y2K metaphors?  "A combination of arrogance, flawed logic and lack of self-control rarely seen on network TV," good God man have you seen 'Two and Half Men?'  Michael Irving is going to be on a dancing show Jason.  Is this cause you're fat?

If 22 players off the street can win two NFL games, there were 70,000 people inside Arrowhead Stadium who could have done a better job than Scott Ego-li’s handpicked coach.

Uh oh! one of those patented Whitlock nicknames!  Satirists beware, that pen's razor sharp.  What happened to the vaguely racially-charged "Five-O" for Mike Vrabel, that one was so clever!  How should a GM chose their coach?  By vote?  Hand to hand combat?  Round-robin Connect Four tournament?  What new head coach isn't "handpicked?"

In a 13-10 loss, the Haley-led Chiefs squandered a chip-shot field-goal attempt in the final seconds of the first half with a no-timeouts-left, 1-yard pass in the flat to Dantrell Savage. Time expired before the refs could re-spot the ball for the next play.

We hadn't heard about that, were we eating chips?  We were probably eating chips.

In a 13-10 loss, the Haley-led Chiefs dropped back to pass on third and 1 in the final 43 seconds of the game and in possession of all three of their timeouts. The Raiders sacked Matt Cassel, setting up the game-deciding fourth-and-4 play the Chiefs would not convert.

Herm would have punted on 3rd down and saved the embarrassment fool!  How dare you try being unpredictable!

In a 13-10 loss, the Haley-led Chiefs were flagged for nine penalties, including a critical late-hit infraction on Oakland’s game-winning TD drive. They turned the ball over twice and failed to down a perfect punt inside the 5 despite six Chiefs circling the ball.

See, he keeps repeating the score, that's JOURNALISM folks.  Wait, there were three separate mistakes in that one?  Also, anyone watching knows at least two of those calls were, objectively speaking, complete and utter horseshit.  Jason has this other technique where he states the obvious, and the obvious is bad, and everyone agrees, but he states it just to make sure.

The Chiefs melted down Sunday. They were a reflection of their head coach, who ranted and raved after every error — except his own.

Except when he ranted and raved about getting in the end of half FG and then later said that it was his fault.  He must have left his crazy person mirror in the locker room.  "Fetch my Travis Bickel mirror Brodie!  My frustration isn't literal enough for Jason's metaphors!"

"We’re going to have a smart team here," Haley promised after the game. "Nine penalties and a couple of those things don’t reflect a smart team."

Fact, this was said, fact.

Uh, Todd, did you coach smart on Sunday?

See, that's not even rhetorical, yay, here it is, but if you watch the presser, Jason asked a question after that quote, JUST LIKE THAT, fact, IT WAS SIMILAR!  (But there's a quippy "uh" here, that's JOURNALISTIC TECHNIQUE!)

"How the half ended, I’d say no," Haley acknowledged. "I’m the leader of this football team, and when you have the ball in an area where you can score points and you don’t get the points, it’s all going to fall on me. So, I’d say no."

And Haley answered with that, fact, a reasonably explanation, fact!

How about the end of the game, Todd — why not run for the first down and use one of your three timeouts?

Because when you have less than a one score lead you should never try to aggressively extend that lead.  If you do you should run the ball before you're in field goal range and stop the clock, so that if you get stuffed there's plenty of time on the clock, and you're still not in FG range.  All the same, Jason has pointed out that in choosing between running or passing at a critical juncture, he did not agree with Haley's choice, but isn't going to explain why that's any more logical, HE'S A JOURNALIST!

"I won’t get into specifics, but the play called had a running back in a situation where, to me, it appeared to me as good as a run, a chance to get the ball into the running back’s hands."

What game was Haley watching?

Presumably the same one where none of our runners were dominant per se, but our success came from some committee running with good amount of under route passing?

Based on what we saw from Cassel, there was no reason to have confidence in his decision-making. The ineptitude of Cassel’s play — two horrible interceptions and two horrible sacks — was only slightly masked by JaMarcus Russell’s Leaflike effort.

Except you know, the rest of the game, like the part where he drove down the field and made a picture perfect pass to Bowe in endzone the series before?  Actually both of the INT's look like impressive defensive efforts by Oakland and Cassel did a great job of scrambling and throwing it away when necessary for the most part?

The truth is, Russell’s performance illustrates just how bad Haley’s Chiefs are. Russell and the Raiders picked up the victory completing seven of 24 passes for 109 yards, racking up 11 first downs and 166 total yards.

Facts, you see those?  Yeah, I got them.  But doesn't that mean the Raiders are really bad and you should explain why a statistically better team lost to them?

The Raiders played dead, and won.

How?

Yipee!  You're going to explain!

Many of you don’t understand why the tone of my columns about the Chiefs has been so negative after I initially campaigned for Scott Pioli’s hiring and identified Haley as Pioli’s likely head coach.

Bu.. whu.. we... you were going to explain?  KNOW WHAT WE DON'T UNDERSTAND MOTHER F?  WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU WOULD ANSWER A RHETORICAL/NON-RHETORICAL QUESTION WITH A COMPLETELY UNRELATED STATEMENT!!!!

The amount of arrogance from Pioli directed toward the media and the unwarranted, know-it-all arrogance Haley directs toward his players make King Carl Peterson look as humble and down-to-earth as Lamar Hunt.

So, our GM's arrogance toward the media is how the Raiders played poorly and still won?  Or is it why you are a whiny sh*thead?  Cause we think it's the latter.  Moreover, we think you are using the same tired ass hacky motif of "let's get a loser fired journalism" that you've been mailing in for the past two years.  That's what we think.

The arrogance is toxic and counterproductive to winning. It’s not confidence. It’s a couple of blowhards drunk on their newfound power.

Again, Raiders?  Facts?  Substance?  Best to leave those out when calling someone a "blowhard."

They’re so caught up in establishing all the little "intangibles" they think create a winning environment that they’ve lost sight of the fact that players win football games — not head coaches or general managers.

Which is why they went out and spent 16 million on a quarterback?  Honestly though, what the f*ck does this sentence even mean?  No one actually could believe Scott Pioli and Todd Haley are having meeting about "intangibles," so what?  They're making motivational posters?  This is some Herm Edwards level voodoo you're talking Jason.

Do you realize how arrogant you have to be to hold a brutal offseason program and training camp, play a game and then sign Bobby Wade off the street on Tuesday and make him your go-to receiver on Sunday because you’re trying to prove a point to Dwayne Bowe and Mark Bradley?

Or was it because they threw a lot of under routes and that is what Bobby Wade has done over his career?  Or because for the first half Bowe had one of the top corners in the game covering him?  Or because they wanted better players on the team?  Sometimes Jason you seem to contradict yourself for fun.  Are they so arrogant because they coach their team hard in the off-season because they know the current talent level isn't sufficient on its own OR are they arrogant because they accept they can't "coach up" the current team alone and will need to continue to acquire FA talent?  Or both?  Maybe they're so arrogant that their contradictory arrogance cancels each other out making "anti-arrogance" like in the DaVinci code?

Bobby Wade isn’t emotionally or physically invested in the Chiefs and the program Ego-li and Haley allegedly implemented. But Wade was KC’s leading receiver and punt-return man on Sunday. Bradley rode the bench, I can only assume, because he failed to pick up a first down last week in Baltimore.

Yeah, he looked like he was really mailing in on those crossing patterns where he kept getting blown up after the catch.  Sure, Wade had some bad drops, but where does this theory it was a punishment for Bradley gain any credence?  If anything Wade look like a pretty promising slot option in the future.

Will Haley sit down next week?

Again, Jason, this isn't really how it works and we're going to say that probably wouldn't be in the best interest of the team.  So you don't know why the head coach did something, you made up a less than plausible explanation, and you want to implement a metaphor literally to express your rage.  Oh, and by the way NONE OF THIS HAS TO DO WITH HOW THEY TREAT THE PRESS BECAUSE THEY ARE SO ARROGANT ITS INFECTING THE WINNABILITY OF THIS TEAM I AM A JOURNALIST, I USED TO WRITE FOR ESPN, FEED ME A JELLY DONUT, RESPECT MY AUTHORITAAAAAY!!!

His lack of composure and suspect play-calling cost the Chiefs a game against the worst team in football.

A whole sentence with a tenuous but nevertheless plausible argument.  Bravo.  Glad we could share that.  Now could you erase the 500 prior words and please connect your premise to the conclusion?  Also, wouldn't this make them worse?  When did his composure play a role in the loss?  Could you, we don't know, INTERVIEW SOME PLAYERS AND FIND OUT WHAT EXACTLY THE DEAL WAS ON THE CALLS YOU ARE REFERRING TO????  Topics you didn't address: defensive INT drops and how they helped cost us the game, poor officiating, questionable clock management, poor kick returns (we'll give the 9 yard bad ass fact drop on that though), the defenses failure to make a critical 4th quarter stop, the overall decline in special teams, the lack of big plays on offense, and Larry Johnson's impressive but still inconsistent performance.

Oh yeah, and Jeff George, rap culture in basketball, and how your bff's with Brian Waters.