Your OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADEBULATION: The Prodigal PARADE Edition...

By way of introduction, the PARADE and the PARADEBULATIONS have been a pre-game tradition of the AP's for some time bringing insight, nonsense, and absurd pictures of dolphins whether or not we happen to be playing Miami.  Self-described as a royal plural presence attempting to write the "Finnegan's Wake" of Chiefs fandom in blog form, the PARADE has been present since the founding of the earliest incarnation of the AP but as of late has been on sabbatical.  When envisioning a far less reverent "founder's plaza for the AP" the PARADE expressed their wish to have a "Smithy of the PARADE's Soul" Room which would house a statue with Bruce Smith's head on the body of a Lord of the Rings Orc doing a mocking 'tomahawk chop' at the 1993 AFC Championship while an indistinguishable, but nevertheless vaguely handsome, boy weeps as his lost balloon floats away.

NOT the PARADE... and the girl frankly scares us.

Welcome Buoys and Gulls, Chicas and Hombres, Stick Figures with Skirts and Stick Figures Without, and Scott Pioli personally, this is the triumphant return of the PARADEBULATION.  Those not familiar with the hot truth and fresh type of madness that the PARADE brings, this is a weekly pre-game column that some would say rips off Deadspin's NFL-wide Jamboroo (specifically the PARADE) and which others would say provides a fresh guide for living to the modern Kansas City gent... or lady (pictured above).

After an extended off-season sabbatical the Saturday Afternoon PARADEBULATION returns.  This week we'll have a game week preview, some mildly humorous pictorial jokes, fantasy football advice, your game time snack of the week, your game time beer of the week, a BRAND SPANKING NEW 'special' commenter award (ombudmanstyle!), and as always something to blow your ever-licking mind.

Your Ravens Week Preview

Joe, Flacco.  JOEFLACCO, seriously? That's not an NFL quarterback, that's the dumb character in a Vonnegut novel.  Also, c'mon, look at this:

via cdn.faniq.com

Clearly, I'm not alone in my thinking Chris (for those that heard the podcast).

via www.electrobertjones.com

Now, normally we're not one to knock a man for his grooming habits, and god knows there have been some great uni brows in history, ie Noel Gallagher, Elliot Smith, Itchy & Scratchy.  But anyone who watched Flacco's presser knows, not only has the pretty boy clearly been tweezing, but he definitely trashed the Chiefs ability to even make it to the 4th quarter regardless of qualifying statements.

I hope he steps on the "Liberian Landmine."

Also, Ray Ray and the whole god squad I killed a man but now I see motivational pre-game speech thing?  Isn't it getting a bit tired Ray?  Both him and Strahan always came across as cheesy to me.  Just go out there and say you're going to murder there babies, leave the "whoo-ing" and the dancing out of it.  Maybe just Clay Davis do your postgame speeches?

via matthewyglesias.theatlantic.com

The real scariest man in Baltimore, but no one knows he's gay, ha, next you're gonna tell us McNulty's actually British right?

Seriously though, after Flacco, Ray Ray, The Wire, and uhm, Hopkins, that's about all we got for making fun of Baltimore... what?  What's that?...

Yes, yes they do.

Well, then I guess there is the whole badass color scheme...

via cache.deadspin.com

I said, YOUNG MAN....

via www.teamcamogear.com

You know camouflage, to help you blend in among the flamboyant pirate trees.

And then there's the whole awesome mascot thing...

via tvbythenumbers.com

You know I hadn't really thought about it before, but that really is SOOO raven.

via media.fukung.net

Seagulls, way more 'core than Ravens.

via i38.tinypic.com

Oooooo what a fearsome mutant, it's like Crow's head on a Blackbird's torso!

via epicawesome.com

Not our best joke but sometimes the low-hanging fruit is just as sweet.

We almost forgot, for no good reason, a dolphin, or in this case a shark:

via 7.media.tumblr.com

Relax there's some sort of swimwear there if you look closely, it's safe for work chief.

FANTASY FOOSBALL ADVICE TYPE THING or DEAR PARADEY...

via rlv.zcache.com

It's like your mouse is actually spirit dancing WITH the raven on the MOON!

Acquire Greg Olsen the TE for Chicago.

via www.windycitynation.com

Greg Olsen doesn't smile he just makes you look good, IT'S WHAT HE FUCKING DOES.

Seriously, Cutler is gonna use him more than his insulin meter.  You are a damn fool if you don't immediately trade or pick up, redraft, over-pay or steal to get him now.  TG ain't putting up the same numbers he had in KC when ATL got you know, other viable NFL offensive players and shit.  DO IT, do it, we said DO IT.  You'll thank us.

YOUR GAMETIME SNACK OF THE WEEK

Trader Joe's Cioppino...

via farm4.static.flickr.com

It's seafood related... like Bawlamer, why B-less when you can B-more?

Our good god is this good.  Now the PARADE spent a little bit of time in Italy in college and if you are looking for a seaside Portofino Zuppa di Mare, this ain't it.  It's frozen fish, temper your expectations.  Who are we talking to?  This is Kansas City, it's great.

Now the PARADE followed the easy as shit instructions of thawing out the sauce, bringing to a boil, and dumping the seafood in.  It takes like 15 minutes total, it's awesome.  But we also added a little old bay, BAWLAMER STYLE CRABS AND FOOTBALL BABY WOO (ignore that), and some hot sauce.  They're also a little chintzy as far as the quantity of sauce to seafood, so we added a little beer and in retrospect some tomato sauce or V8 to stretch it would have been nice.  Also, key is toasting some ciabatta or like sourdough loaf to dip in the sauce.  It's awesome, and you can impress the ladies by correctly calling it "cho-peen-oh" unlike Joel who thinks it's "Keyapipino" or fish soup.

Now, we though we're cool on this one with the Beer & old bay touch, but if you google image this stuff, people out there are making it look like the holy virgin on a cracker, so uh, go crazy.

YOUR GAME TIME BEER OF THE WEEK

Natty Boh!... because eh, it's wah we drink en Bawlamer!

via beer.fishtownbriefcase.com

In the wild world of beers, this, is not a good one.  If we don't beat them on the field at least we'll drink "their" beer, which is probably made somewhere else anyway.  For those not familiar with the bo' it's about on par with Pabst Blue Ribbon or Schlitz.  It's got a lot of "hipster" cred because of it's retro logo:

via www.40ozmaltliquor.com

Everything about this photo says "class."  (We genuinely didn't notice the choice of "pointing method" until after we uploaded it, you stay classy Bawlamer!)

But really it's not bad all in all.  It probably beats getting "Nattified" with the other popular "Natty" beer.  Also, like Old Style there's some civic pride associated with it, and unlike Chicagoans, Bawlamorans will rarely force it upon you claiming it tastes good when if fact it's reminiscent of garbage juice and freshly squeezed rat urine (take that over excited let's go cubbies old style pushers).

And then there's this girl, she's kinda cute...

via i89.photobucket.com

And this billboard, sure, why not?

via farm1.static.flickr.com

"SPECIAL" COMMENT OF THE WEEK

Your "special" comment of the week (not necessarily from the past week and any particular week for that matter) is awarded completely objectively and impartially to the OFFICIAL Arrowhead Pride PARADE for this gem on the Broncos apologizing to Brandon Marshall...

REALLY?

Dear Brandon, we’re sorry you beat up those girls and that we don’t want to pay you more money because you’re a crazy ass liability, sorry, really, our bad.

At one point in the conversation this sentence definitely was uttered, "Damn straight you better apologize after chasing Wilford Bitchley’s sugarfree ass outta here? You think I’m okay with this fuzzy drunk’s candyballs? Hell no."

We award ourselves this one because we're lazy, and this joke didn't get nearly the praise it deserved at the time, and it accurately predicted the future.  Also it ties in nicely with our earlier Cutler insulin joke, even though he's gone we can still laugh at his tragic affliction, and we come full circle, cathartic isn't it?

Next week we'll try to keep a more open mind towards the other competitors, the OAPP just puts out a strong product childs.

AND SOMETHING(S) TO BLOW YOUR MIND

We suspect this could be like Joel's future run-in with the higher up of the Arrowhead press corp...

And, this, well, this is this, and it's kind of genius retarded...  (Slightly NSFW we guess?)

Did you see Joe Flacco at the end?  Yeah.