Act 1 scene 1 of "The Red Carpet"
The Scene; The Kansas City Chiefs are on offensive, a red carpet has been laid out with velvet ropes, banners, mood lighting, and many other assorted types of fan-fair creating a warm and inviting environment for the many visitors to the backfield on a particular afternoon in the late summertime;
(Queue "Academy Awards" type music)
Reporter #1 Suzy Kolber: Welcome viewers to the second annual "Red-Carpet" night in the famous Kansas City back field. Were expecting a regular "who's-who" of defensive players this evening so strap yourself in for an evening of splendor and excitement!
Reporter #2 Chris Collinsworth: ...That's right Suzy, this place is frequented by all manner of defensive player. We expect to see quite the compliment of defensive ends and linebackers this evening and a few corner-backs and safeties dropping bye for a quick sack or tackle for a loss as well... Say Suzy, I see Ray Lewis coming your way, see if you can get an interview...and be sure to remind him that I'm the greatest wide receiver to ever play the game of football.
Suzy Kolber: We have our first visitor this evening, It's none other than Ray Lewis...(Turns to Ray Lewis) Mr. Lewis, I know you're in a rush, but do you have a moment to answer a few questions for the viewers at home?"
Ray Lewis: Sure Suzy, anything for a fox like you...errr...I mean fan like you. Looks like I have plenty of time to take care of business anyway.
Suzy Kolber: It's only half way through the first quarter and we've already seen you on the Red Carpet quit a bit tonight, I know you've already gotten to meet Matt Cassel, can you tell us what that was like?
Ray Lewis: It wasn't what I thought it would be, I mean, with him already hoppin' around on a bum leg and all. Our running in to each other wasn't much of an event...although I'm still trying to get those pieces of his shoulder pads out from between my toes. Do you have any idea what kind of blister that'll give you'? Bye the way, have they found his head yet?
Suzy Kolber: Actually they did. As it turns out it looks like Trevor Pryce ate it. There were so many purple jerseys smothering Matt it was hard to tell exactly what happened to his head but we did see Trevor snacking on an ear a few minutes later. The ear was positively identified to be one of Matt's...(Ray Lewis cuts Suzy off )
Ray Lewis: Now that really pisses me off !!!
Suzy Kolber: Oh?....I didn't know you and Matt were close...
Ray Lewis: Me and Matt CLOSE!?!?...Hell no. I'm pissed because I‘ve been on Trevor about his terrible diet since OTA's !! Damn fool doesn't realize what grey matter does to your cholesterol...Look Suzy, I gotta go...Mr. Croyle looks like he's about to scramble, I wanna' say "hi" to him real quick.
(Lewis pauses, re-ties both of his shoes, takes out his cell and sends a text message to his agent, calls his mom to make Thanksgiving plans, and then scampers off skipping towards a frozen Brodie Croyle)
Suzy Kolber: (Turns to camera) That was Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis everyone, back to you Chris.
Chris Collinsworth: Hey Suzie, I notice Ed Reed coming off a blitz, looks like he's headed for Brodie Croyle as well, maybe you could catch him for a quick word... and be sure to remind him that I'm the greatest wide receiver to ever play the game of football.
(Suzie Kolber heads towards the Croyle/Lewis/Reed intersection, along the way knocking Ryan O'Callighan and Ikechuku Ndukwe flat on there south-ends all the while holding a microphone, reading notes from her Blackberry, and fixing her hair...she arrives just as Ray and Ed begin a game of tug-o-war using Brodie Croyles' legs)
Suzy Kolber: Mr. Reed...Mr. Reed...I know Mr. Lewis is not new to this kind of carnage since his days with rapper Chino Nino, but for you, you're two kills tonight must exciting. Care to comment?
(Ed Reed continues to hold one of Brodie Croyles ankles with one hand...he puffs his chest out, adjusts his jock, takes a "strutting" type pose, and speaks into Suzy's microphone)
Ed Reed: Well Suzy, its been a little tougher since the Chiefs started using cheerleaders to help block, but those two tightends..."whatz-hiz-name" and "whoz-he-whats-it", they wasn't much fun at all. Hell, I had a tougher time helping Reggie Wayne get his jock strap back on at the ‘U"...them was the good ‘ole days. Still this is good practice for when we finally get to play against a team with an offensive line next week"
Suzy Kolber: Uh...Ed, the Chiefs have an offensive line... they have uniforms and everything.
Ed Reed: They do? Where they at?
Suzy Kolber: Can't you see them? There everywhere...There's Rudy Niswanger, they guy with his underwear over his head. And look down there, you're standing on Brian Waters tongue...poor guy, he was the only one who put up a fight.
Ed Reed: Oh... where's the rest of Brian Waters?
Suzy Kolber: Coach Todd Haley pulled him off the field. Since Brian now has no tongue he couldn't answer when the coach asked him "who the all-powerful master of the football offense was" so Brian's now out washing the coaches car.
Ed Reed: Will he do mine when he done?
Suzy Kolber: I doubt it, Coach Haley has to drive a fire engine so it might take him a while.
(Camera zooms in on Brodie Croyle as with very little effort he's ripped in two.... camera pans to sideline where QB Matt Guiterrez is trying to hide by stuffing himself into the Gatorade cooler....switch to camera #3 zoomed in on Tyler Thigpen as he mutters to himself;
Tyler Thigpen: I play to win the game...I PLAY TO WIN THE GAME !!...I play to win the game ??
Chris Collinsworth: We'll be right back after a few messages from our sponsor...and to everyone, everywhere watching this; remember, I am the greatest wide receiver ever to play the game of football.
(Fade to black)
Note from the author: The first step towards fixing a problem is to identify it, the second, is to learn to laugh at it.