FanPost

Off-Season Ombudsmanulation: "You Have No Fear of the Underdog, That's Why You Will Not Survive."

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Primes had us under the gun* for a while for the "official ombudsman post" but frankly, we're not quite sure how to do this.  We mean, we certainly can make fun of what gets posted.  But we're not intentionally cruel, it's just not in our nature.

So to explain that more clearly, we'll relive our hatred of ombudsmen in general, act like a total hypocrite, and work in some strong to medium strong interweb humor.

Oh and we're on Twitter bringing the pain, Peter King ignored our benevolent Roasterie Rec so all we can say is expect thunder fat man, but it's the lightning that's gonna get ya.

*Conversely, we've had Prime under the gun for getting on this podcast idea off the ground.  So far all we have is 8 minutes of us sounding like Napolean Dynomite, Prime complaining about chicken fingers, and generally a lot of swearing about technological ignorance.

First, a little tale about ombudsmandry. (pardon the extensive history of the interwebs)

As some of you may be aware, the PARADE has been linked to some dubious authorship over at the website Deadspin.com.  Also, commenter of note, 'HIV 2 Elway' has been a staple over there along with a commenter named 'Otto Man' and together they've collectively made up the Chiefetariat at the site.

Those not familiar with Deadspin's commenter policy, in its heyday it was a meritocracy of sorts.  Those who got in early or managed to "audition" enough funny or obscene comments were granted commenter handles/avatars/nicknames (whatever).  Prior it was an open door policy and currently it has digressed into an amorphous multipage babble/babel with a few pathetic stalwart high quality commenters hanging on.  (This is not a condemnation of the change in editor from Will Leitch to A.J. Daulerio, we actually think Daulerio is much funnier, just more of a hit or miss type than Leitch's consistent buy gossipy snark).  But we digress...

The upshot of all this, was we arrived pretty late to the Deadspin commenter party.  We had a handle for a brief period via Deadspin's Gawker Media sister political site Wonkette.com for a while, but generally didn't comment enough to keep from getting purged.  Then we grew quite enamored with the oft-linked spinoff-site "Kissing Suzy Kolber" which was formed by a small junta of Deadspin commenters known as the "Gay Mafia."  This ultimately led us back to attempt "auditioning" for yet another Deadspin commenter handle.

At this same point Deadspin had recently anointed their first ever ombudsman: Rob "Rock me like a" Iracane.  Now we'll withhold judgment as much as possible lest is sound like so much sour grapes.  To his credit his ombudsman posts were headlined by this awesome graphic:

Screamfoolscream4_medium

via cache.deadspin.com

(Course, we prefer the one Daulerio picked our for our story, but that's neither here nor there).

And in the interest of fairness, he did have some good posts about the snorg-t's girl, mocking personal references to fantasy teams in comment threads, and generally mocking lost AOL commenters whose posts come out like all-caps laden tourettes punctuationless asperger's word spasms (and not the cool sexassassin kind either).

In a series of comments which were clearly so hilarious we've forgotten all about them we managed to attract the attention of Mr. Iracane.  Yes, we made the (first?) ever rejected comment theatre...  To be fair, Mr. 'cane did not even pay us the respect of including whatever hilarious tidbit we instilled, but rather we had not yet developed the third person PARADE entity, and, well, we'll let his words speak for themselves:

Finally, I'd like to spotlight someone who I rejected based solely on his or her commenter name of choice, SuckItIcarane. I ain't got no quarrel with people who want to take a jab at me, but can you at least spell my goddamned name right?

Because nothing spells unpretentiousness like getting bent out of shape over misspelling your silly sounding last name huh Robbie?

But, alas, yes it was us who misspelled said ombudsmoniker, and not even ironically like some of the PARADE's more bizarre meta-jokes.  Perhaps the best thing to come out of the whole affair was commenter Chamomiles Davis seizing upon the "make it rain" phenomena so popular at the time:

I'm Icarane, (I'm Icarane)
I'm Icarane on them hoes

So there you have it, your ombudsman (despite not actually having any real ombudmatorial power?) and author dear reader was once a rejectable, indeed rejectED, commenter just like everyone else.  But c'est la blogfrica...

Besides, who came out the winner there?  That guy writes some unfunny blog about BASEBALL that has none of the panache of Royals Review.  And after Leitch left Deadspin and he's off on his own, well, let's just say the AP has more Twitter followers than him.  Not to mention that as Primetime has pointed out the causal relationship between the AP's popularity and hits combined with UC's approval pretty much makes the PARADE the "funniest most popular thing on the interwebs ever."*

What can we say?  We are. A. Giant tool.

So, with that in mind we bring you some of the best, worst, and generally remarkable comments we could find.  (We may try to make this a monthly thing if you guys can keep huffing and commenting for us).  Also, don't be offended if you make this section for the "wrong" reasons, because A. that's awesome B. we're not too cool to ban anybody right now and if anything 'keeping it real enough' secures your place in the AP canon.

Without further ado, zee komments:

[alright slight ado, unsurprisingly Prime and our's favorite comment comes from prolific up and coming (zing) commenter, and enemy to punctuation everywhere: sexassassin]:

True story I went to build a bear with my x girlfriend a while back

and i made a bear when you push its hands it says fuck the raiders fuck their life fuck what they stand for and fuck the nfc hahahah. the guy at build a bear was like trying to take it away from me but i told him it was a personal message and I didnt want him to hear so they sewd it in the bear wheres chucks has a small chief jersey and has small black pants its sick. just thought i would share this story cuz i hate the nfc and the raiders.

-This comment regarding the NFL schedule leaks (what else duh?) is, how you say, a masterpiece.  Not only does it demonstrate the depths of mental illness and depravity our commenters are capable of, but the complete NFC non-sequitur... well, if you ever are medicated for that condition Mr. Assassin, you are doing the world a disservice.

I no What Im Do What About You

Im just a teen in you all no how teens like to go out have they girl friends in wont to sneak in have ### we i told my girl it aint gone be that cuz i will be at the house with food my dad is gone make in eat in look at all the new CHIEFS in when we not on the clock i will get on my commputer pull up Arrowheadpride.com talk to you guys in i will be looking up highlights of guys we pick that i dont no about

-We're not going to put this in the "good" or "bad" section, just suffice to say new AP commenter Da Chiefs Guy is clearly familiar and proficient in the style of E.E. Crunkings.  Apparently, this was a post on Grey's Anatomy or something, anyway we couldn't find the link, but somewhere we believe (Texas Chief?) threw down a solid translation of DCG.  Anyway, this is far and away one of our 'realest' commenters lately and we're hoping DCG makes this column again.

You're getting my hopes a little too high

If we got a first round pick, Mack in the second, and Brinkley in the third Pioli would have to get a restraining order against me because I would be dead set on driving up to arrowhead and kissing him right on the mouth. I’d even bring my wife and kids along with me so he’d know it wasn’t a sexual thing.

-From KCporkchop's hypothetical reaction to a potential draft day scenario, which for the sake of his marriage, thankfully did not come to fruition (don't get him started on Trent Green [hilarious self-referential hyperlink generously ommitted]).  It's like sometimes you say something to modify what you just said, but then it ends sounding even worse than what you originally said... AHH, KRAYYYMERRRR!

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via 4.bp.blogspot.com

-We're gonna include this late entry from Patrick Allen in the Chiefs Classic Picture Competition if for no other reason than to generate some synergy with LookAtThisF&ckingHipster.com (NSFW title, its tumblr bro, they don't censor like us).

I go into Trader Joe’s now and am lost.

Annnnd DThomasReigns for the sycophantic win.  Nothing like finding out the PARADE governs you're grocery shopping decisions.  We'll try to work up a honest to goodness PARADEBULATION to cap off what will hopefully be a 5 part series next week.  For now, Trader Giotto's Pizza Crust... no pictures so we'll show the frozen 3-cheese option, which is eminently meh in comparison to our homemade ricotta sauce with proscuitto and brie...recipe forthcoming...

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via www.daemonsfood.com

We're sure we're missing tons of great comments, Prime didn't really excel at being an ombudslacky insofar as originally all his hyperlinks only linked to the attaching story, thus leaving the specific link in question on occasion.

Prime: "you get those links?"

PARADE: "yeah you mean the ones where sexassassin says something dirty, KCShuffle says something bizarre, Lanier63 makes a joke about being old, DThomasReigns makes a self-referential AP joke, and UC totally clown suits someone... yeah, mighta seen one like that.

Prime: "Oh, okay good."

Please feel free to volunteer your own, mock us, and hyperlink freely in the comments section (if we're not too lazy we'll try to make fun of those too).

And for the source of our title here's Spoon's 'The Underdog' for your listening pleasure:

*Actual Primetime quote

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

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