10 Underhanded Ways I Would Like to see the Chiefs Win Next Year

A recent post in the comments of the Jay Cutler thread got me to thinking. Someone said they didn’t care what happened to the Broncos and that they didn’t want the Chiefs to win by default. They said that they just wanted the Chiefs to kick ass and for everyone to be afraid to play them.

I agree that I want the Chiefs to be that sort of team.

Seriously, though? If it gets us a Super Bowl I don’t care how we win. So I present to you, to get us through the slow news time, the top ten ways I would like to see the Chiefs underhandedly win a football game.

10. Down 13 to 12 in the 2009 home opener, the Chiefs and Conner Barth are attempting a 50-yard field goal with 3 seconds left for the win. With Brodie Croyle holding, the stupid new long snapper (way to go Pioli) botches the snap high. Brodie is forced to jump to his feet to catch the ball and does. However, while he is in the air, there is a strong gust of wind that breaks Brodie’s leg clean off at the hip. As he falls, ever being about the team, Brodie flips the ball to Conner. With the rush coming and no time for a running start, Conner, an aspiring golf pro, drops the football and retrieves Brodie’s severed leg and with a perfect drive shot, boots the football trough the uprights as time expires. The Chiefs move in to first place at 1-0.

9. Game three of the 2009 season sees the 2-0 Chiefs taking on the Chargers on the road. With the Chiefs up 17-10 the teams are on their respective sidelines for a timeout. Jason Whitlock, covering the game for the Kansas City Star, trips going down the stadium steps because he is carrying a gigantic bucket of ribs and rolls down 300 cement stairs before bouncing air born and landing on the 50 yard line, causing a fault line to erupt. California finally has the “Big One” and the ground splits in half at midfield swallowing half the stadium, Jason and the entire Charger organization into the Pacific. Only Norv Turner survives. Jeff George takes over Whitlock’s column at the Star and the Chiefs win the game by forfeit.

8. Game seven of the 2009 season is a highly anticipated meeting between the 6-0 Chiefs and the New England Patriots. The day before the game Robert Kraft has a stroke and in a fit of confusion fires Bill Belichick and hires Norv Turner. Turner, with no time to come up with a game plan, decides to set up a TV and Xbox on the sideline and uses the “Ask Madden” feature on Madden 10. Considering the players do not know any of the plays the Patriots are roaming around confused all day. Bernard Pollard is sent on a blitz, is unblocked and hits Tom Brady so hard he breaks Brady’s collarbone The Chiefs win 67-0.

7. After losing quarterback Jay Cutler to a trade for Derek Anderson, who performs miserably, Josh McDaniels decides he can only bring the Patriot Way to Denver is by inserting himself at QB. The Chiefs win their 7th game of the season as McDaniels tosses 37 interceptions to a rejuvenated Cheifs D. Feeling sorry for the Broncos, Todd Haley puts in the worst possible defense he can think of. Dustin Colquit sets an NFL single game interception record with 15 playing at Defensive End.

6. The Chiefs win their week nine game against San Diego because the visitors fail to show up. Chris Mortenson reports from an unnamed source that the Chargers are stuck in traffic only to be rebuffed by a baffled Adam Schefter who again reports that the entire Charger team was swallowed into the Pacific Ocean and is in fact, dead. John Clayton has Mortenson is committed.

5. The hotly anticipated week 15 match-up between the Chiefs and Steelers is refereed by Ed Hochuli’s crew. After awarding the Chief’s 7 consecutive encroachment penalties, Matt Cassel hits Tony G for the game winning touch down. On his way to the locker room Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger accidentally bumpes into Ed Hochuli, who in a fit of Roid Rage snaps Roethlisberger’s neck. Hochuli is shot to death by police on the spot. It takes 43 bullets to kill him.

4. Pioli takes Giants coach Tom Coughlin out for a beer the night before the Chiefs last regular season game against the New York Giants. Both teams have secure playoff spots but Pioli wants to ensure the Chiefs a perfect season. He gets Coughlin really drunk and convinces him to call up Eddie Drummond and sign him for one day to return kicks and punts. The next day, on the Chiefs opening kick off, Drummond forgets he isn’t still playing for the Chiefs, catches the kick off and stands there. Tacklers surround him as he hands the ball to a bewildered Jarred Page who walks into the end zone for a touch down. A hung over Coughlin reminds Drummond he is playing for the Giants now. He then proceeds to muff 3 punts and fumble 2 kick that lead to Chief touchdowns. The Chiefs win going away.

3. During the divisional playoff round against the Titans, Brian Waters notices that Larry Johnson is having trouble getting past the line of scrimmage. He convinces Larry that the Titans head cheer leader in the opposite end zone called him “Limp Dick” during warm ups. On the next play Larry runs over 3 would be tacklers on his way to a 97 yard touch down rumble and a cheer leader bitch slap. Johnson is arrested and Jamaal Charles becomes the new starter, having a breakout day and rushing for over 150 yards.

2. In the AFC championship against the Colts, Glenn Dorsey gets inside Payton Manning’s head by talking all day about how much less hair Payton has than his brother Eli. Manning throws 3 interceptions and the Chiefs squeak by to go to the Super Bowl.

1.    Todd Haley and Scott Pioli meet late at night in the middle of a cornfield the night before the Super Bowl against the Dallas Cowboys. Following a map given to them by Marty Schottenheimer, the two men are lead to the unmarked grave of Chiefs great, Derrick Thomas. After some blood sacrifice and a few chants the men successfully resurrect the football star for one day. Meanwhile, Clark Hunt breaks into Monty Beisel’s house and renders him unconscious using the Chiefs Super Bowl Four trophy. He ties Monty up and leaves him locked in a closet. The next day at the Super Bowl “Monty Beisel” breaks the single game sack record, recording 10 sacks on Tony Romo and a Chiefs victory.

Que the Beach Boys “Wouldn’t It Be Nice.”

Hope this made some of you guys smile.

Any certain ways you guys would like to see the Chiefs win?