AP's Christmas Vacation

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So I have a few spare minutes (and internet access) on my current Christmas marathon adventure.  I thought about trying to put together a "Glass of Kool Aid" for this week, but I don't have time to find enough stats to really make anyone feel better so I decided to take a stab at something humerous to hopefully cheer you up.  I love the movie Christmas Vacation and watch it every year.  I decided to rewrite some of the scenes using APers for your ammusement.  The language is straight out of the movie so its a little "colorful" if you're at work.  So here you go AP.  Your very own Christmas Vacation.

It was the Sunday before Christmas and Joel Thorman arrived at the stadium extra early.  Before he headed up to the press box he needed to hit the gift shop for some last minute Christmas shopping (he was going to pick up some Chiefs gear for his brother Chris).  While in the store Joel ran into a very attractive woman.  She noticed him staring at her and asked if he was okay…

Joel:  “Oh, I was just smelling - smiling. I was just blouse - browsing. I, uh, heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn't... Oh hee hee, it wouldn't be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they - HOTTER than they are. Whew. It is warm in here, isn't it?”

Woman:  “You have your coat on.”

Joel:  “Yes, oh do I? Yeah, it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?”

Just then the Chief’s back up QB Brodie Croyle walked in.

Brodie:  “Hey babe I have to go get suited up.  Umm..  Is this guy bothering you?”

Woman:  “It’s okay, I think he must be “special”, see how he’s drooling.  Let’s go.”

The game that day was another bad day for the KC Chiefs and of course, their loyal fans.

Up in the nosebleed section KCPorkchop had brought his own Kool Aid to the game and spiked it with a little something special to help stay warm.  As the game went on the Chiefs were losing and fans all around were packing up to leave early.  The combination of the “special” Kool Aid and the negative attitude shown by these fair weather fans was more then he could take….

Porkchop:  “Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned football game. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm football emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest season since Hank Stram matriculated down the field with Len fucking Dawson. And when KC Wolf waddles his fat furry ass up to these cheap seats, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.”

That night after the game all of AP got together for the first annual AP Christmas party.  The Thorman boys persuaded KCSatchmo to host the party at his mom’s house so APers could check out the awesome merchandise collection.  The evening was going along great until KansasCityShuffle (who had one too many at that point) saw highlights of Bernard Pollard making a game winning play for the Texans.  It was too much for him to take….

Shuffle:  “Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Scott Pioli, our GM, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?”

Following this rant Woodman went over to Shuffle and explained that he wasn’t going to be banned from the party and that this was just a warning that he should tone it down a little.  However, over in the corner Kray was thinking about what Shuffle had said.  Suddenly he had an idea (oh boy).

About an hour later as KCSatchmo was trying to convince everyone to go home before his mom’s priceless collection was totally ransacked, Kray came bursting through the door dragging along a bound and gagged Scott Pioli with a giant bow on his head.  “Merry Christmas Shuffle!”

The Thorman boys quickly untied Pioli and apologized for the mistake (Joel was worried about his press credentials).  They were trying to explain that Kray “wasn’t quite right” when the SWAT team burst in along with Mrs. Pioli.  They were about to arrest all of AP when Pioli stopped them.  Mrs. Pioli couldn’t understand why.

Scott Pioli : Remember how I was toying with the idea of not spending any money on good free agents this season and basically treating it like one giant preseason?
Mrs. Pioli: You *didn't*! Well, of all the cheap lousy ways to save a buck!
Swat Commander: That's pretty low, mister! If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into a...
Scott Pioli: I know, I know!  I'm going to actually spend some money this year, I promise.

and hearing this, all the APers cheered.  That next spring Pioli followed through and signed a half dozen quality FAs and drafted three day one starters with their first three draft picks.  Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!

PORKCHOP OUT