Dear Mr. Pioli,
I am a loyal male Chiefs fan writing a letter to inform you that the 2009 Chiefs football team may have given me PMS. I have not yet gone to the doctor but I assure you my symptoms are real and in some cases painful.
After the Chiefs last football game I got online and checked into the MedLine site. After entering some information into the symptom checker the site asked me a series of questions.
- Have you been experiencing mood swings? (Yes.)
- Have you had bouts of anxiety? (Now that you mention it, yes.)
- Have you recently had crying spells, weight gain, irritability, headaches, depression? (Hell yea! You seen the Chiefs this year? I think this thing is on to something.)
- Do you feel bloated? (After a Chiefs game my bladder feels like its going to bust...so, yes.)
- Do you have breast sensitivity? (Nnn...well...now that you ask.)
Diagnoses: If your symptoms persist or becomes worse over a 2 month period then see your Physician. You may have a severe case of PMS. (I knew it. I knew it. This fricken Chiefs team has given me the damn PMS)
See that Mr. Pioli? It says I have the PMS. Have you ever gotten the PMS, Mr. Pioli? Do you really know what you have given me? How can I explain it to you? Let you know what your team is doing to me.
You ever been bitch slapped Mr. Pioli? You ever go to your suite at Arrowhead before the game and get in your recliner, beer in hand, and then someone jumps out and just bitch slapps you? Get's you in an irratable mood doesn't it. You getten a headache, depressed, and weeping like a damn baby cause you just got fricken bitch slapped? That's what I feel like...In a damn irritable mood cause my team just got fricken bitch slapped.
Sorry. I think that was the PMS.
These symptoms your team gave me are intense though. I hear this PMS thing might go in cycles so I am hoping it ends next year. Till then I'll just have to keep self medicating. You ever had the PMS so bad you had to reach for a couple more beers, Mr. Pioli? Doesn't do the trick does it, Scott? You gotta take some drinks of the hard stuff now don't ya. You got the PMS so bad you're whistling zippty fricken do-da out your bung hole cause you had to fricken drink so much you could shit through a screen door and not touch the wire? Hows that feel, Scott? Chaps the fricken ass doesn't it? You ever had a chapped ass after a Chiefs game, Scott? Huh?
Sorry. That PMS thing must come and go.
I actually started writing because I thought you might want to get your team checked out for the PMS since they are the ones that gave it to me. I don't know if any of them have it...but it sure looked like it during that Chargers game. That Haley guy might have it..although he has looked better the past few games. Bradley might have it...his hands appeared a little bloated on that ball he tried to catch in the second half. In fact, he just might have it all the time. I don't know if he has been checked yet but Goff might have it. After a defender would put his hands on him, I used to see him backing up into Matt all the time...he might have some breast sensitivity.
I read on MedLine that there is nothing I can do about the PMS. I will just have to live with it. I guess I just want you to know that despite my PMS I am still a Chiefs fan, watch all the games, and support you as you build the Chiefs.
p.s. what's PMS?