"I'm just like Parcells or Belichick...only without the winning."
Let's face it, Chiefs fans...it's been a long and miserable season so far. The Chiefs are 1-7, the team just cut ties with Larry "2.7" Johnson (and ate his disgusting contract) after seven miserable performances and yet another embarassing off-field incident from the jerkoff, our team has stayed firmly mired in the crapper on both offense and defense, we don't even have Tony G to root for any more and the season's only halfway over. In short...the 2009 football season has been one gi-normous suckfest.
As many of you know I, UCrawford, started up the "Fire Todd Haley" bandwagon last week after the locker room sign incident. The reasons for this are many and have been discussed ad nauseum on this site. Haley dumped Bernard Pollard for Mike Brown, he kept playing 2.7 until 2.7 finally threw him under the bus on a worldwide social networking site, he fired Chan Gailey two weeks before the season and scrapped the offense only to watch his new offense fail miserably, he hired Clancy Pendergast, he's almost as inept a game manager as Herm, he makes pathetic motivational signs, Todd is an asshole name, yadda, yadda, yadda...
Ultimately, the two biggest reasons why I gave up on Todd Haley weren't any of the oh-so-numerous errors he's made but the two simple observations that a) there isn't a heck of a lot that anyone can point to that Haley's done that has shown positive results while he's been here, and b) the man is easily one of the most unsympathetic individuals I've ever seen coach over two decades of watching pro football. Because, let's face it...while it's fairly easy to give a guy who's a bad coach but a nice guy multiple chances to turn it around (Herm), or to overlook the distasteful personality of someone who wins games (Belichick), there's really not a hell of a lot of motivation to give a complete jerk who constantly screws up, loses games, and points fingers at everyone but himself much of a chance. So yes...after watching Haley do his best Eric Mangini/Mike Nolan impersonation for seven games, I decided after those seven games that the guy is a clueless douche who is the Chiefs' biggest impediment to success and that he has to go.
But, was I too hasty, and how does this translate into an offer for you?
After a discussion with dedicated AP poster Lucasjr5 tonight, I'm willing to entertain the idea that I was indeed too quick to reach a verdict on Haley's failures as the Chiefs' head coach. After all, it's only been eight games and even the great Jimmy Johnson went 1-15 in his first season as head coach of the Cowboys before ultimately taking them to two consecutive Super Bowl wins (even if they did only beat the Buffalo Bills...the village bicycle of Super Bowl teams). So maybe I'm wrong about Haley. Point is, I'm willing to admit I'm wrong...under certain conditions.
Now, as all of you should know, next week is Raiders week. And as many of you know, I despise the Raiders above all other franchises in the NFL. More than the Cowboys, more than that pathetic excuse for a football team on the other side of Missouri, more than the self-important Broncos (burn in hell, Elway)...even more than the Missouri Tigers (yes, I hate, hate, hate the Tigers, go KU, Chase Daniel(s) was a choker). The Raiders are the most laughable excuse for a franchise in the NFL and yet they've somehow managed to win three Super Bowls in my lifetime while my beloved Chiefs have yet to win one. So yes...I hate the Raiders with the white hot intensity of a sun going supernova. And now the Raiders look to be at their abysmal bottom. They've got a fat, lazy QB who can't hit a target past his tight end and doesn't care, a head coach who's 2.7's brother from another mother, a defense that ranks in the bottom 10 of the NFL, an offense that ranks in the bottom 3, and an senile, egotistical, backstabber of an owner who apparently thinks it's still the 1970s.
So...my offer is this. If Todd Haley can get the Chiefs to beat the Oakland Raiders this Sunday by a touchdown or more (and it must be a touchdown or more), I will admit that I was far too hasty in my assessment of Haley and will retract my stated desire to see him fired immediately (preferably out of a cannon)...assuming there are sufficient takers for my wager. And, let's admit it, there's no reason for there not to be tons of takers out there for this bet because I know how many of you love to see me eat my words.
There is, however, a catch. If the Chiefs lose to the Raiders by a touchdown or more I expect everyone who takes my bet to join me immediately upon the "Fire Todd Haley" bandwagon. Loudly and proudly. Because, let's admit it...a Chiefs coach who gets beaten by a TD or more by the 2009 Oakland Raiders and gets swept by them for the season doesn't deserve another year on the job, no matter how new he is or how little talent his team has. There are dudes off the street (some of them homeless or drunks) who can probably take one out of two games against Tom Cable and Al Davis with this squad. So there's no excuse for Parcells Jr. to not be able to take one...by at least a touchdown.
So, AP readers who still support Todd Haley...do you take the devil's bargain with the driver of the "Fire Todd Haley" bandwagon and bet on your head coach to beat the hated Raiders, possibly risking your soul as a Chiefs fan in the process? Or do you decline the wager, thereby admitting to yourselves that you have so little faith in Haley that you can't even believe that he's able to beat the Raiders? Either way, the odds appear stacked in my favor.
I look forward to your replies, and to getting much more company upon my bandwagon in the very near future.
(evil laughter ensues)