Larry's Resume and AP Goodbye
by Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 11:59 AM CST
46 comments
Dear Potential Employer/ Recruiting Manager/ Mr. Davis/ Mr. Snyder,
Hello. Thank you for taking the time to look over my resume and qualifications. I am an accomplished professional in my field and I was recently laid off due to my stupid ass conduct on and off the football field. I am looking to reinvent myself, by which I mean I would like to get paid a butt load of money to potentially assist in destroying your football organization. Mr. Davis and Mr. Snyder, I do not presume to be nearly as adept at ruining a football franchise as yourselves, however I do feel that I bring a remarkable skill set that you and your front office would greatly value.
I am consistently in trouble with the law. This is an excellent opportunity for you to take your troubles on the field and expand them with a lot of off field issues and poor national media coverage of your organization. I am a PR nightmare and would surly lower the public opinion of your football club. Those who still think highly of me I will personally visit and spit a cocktail in their face to ensure their devotion does not last long.
I am not just valuable off the field but on the field as well. I learned early on that by being successful I was helping my team to win so I very quickly began to suck. Before being fired from my last employer I was currently on pace to have the worse season for a starting running back in the history of football. As long as you have an offensive line I promise you I will run straight into the back of them and then promptly fall down. If a hole does open up, not to worry I am a team player. I will be sure to be caught from behind and maybe, if I can manage it, I will cough up the football before I go down. I will also ensure that your QB only lasts a couple of games because I will be sure not to pick up any blockers ones I get paid.
In closing I hope that you can see I will be a great asset to destroying your organization. Please see my enclosed resume.
I look forward to working with you,
Larry Johnson
Address: The Club, Las Vegas
Cell: 555-5555
Email: smackmybitchup@gmail.com
Work Experience:
The Kansas City Chiefs (Fired) 2003-2009
Running Back
- Rushed for 1750 yards in 2005. Scored 20 TD's.
- Rushed for 1789 in 2006, though it took me 80 more carries to get that extra 39 yards.
- In 2007 I averaged 3.7 yards per carry. Blamed it on teams stacking the box to stop me. Was then promptly injured.
- Summer 08', smacked some women around. Pretty much got away with it.
- Missed games due to suspension in 2008 season. Accumulated only 800 some odd yards rushing. Fumbled 5 times.
- 2009 season; rushed for 358 yards or 2.7 yards per carry. Used offensive homophobic slurs, insulted fans and coach. Apologized when it looked like I was gonna lose some money. Was fired.
- Scored 9 TD's in last 29 games.
Desired Salary:
$2.1 million with a $500,000 bonus.
Skills:
- Running directly into the back of the center and then falling down
- Terrible pass blocking, recently improved to average
- Bitching
- Slapping women
- Opening champagne
- Spitting
- Rapper posse enthusiast and hanger on
- Professional team killer/cancer
- Tweeting
- Gay bashing and homophobic propagandist
- Spot on Herman Edwards impression
- Clubbing. (both the place and the activity..."clubbing women") Please now enjoy some photos of me in action;
via blogs.pitch.com
via www.blogcdn.com
And finally, from all of us here at Arrowhead Pride (except for the troll) and most especially from UCrawford,
SO LONG LARRY,
via cdn.picapp.com
Don't get tackled from behind on your way out!
This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.
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Feel free to say your goodbye's to Larry here
Please help send my girlfriend to Broadway! Visit http://magonbroadway.blogspot.com/
by Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 12:11 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
Goodbye Larry
Thanks for helping me win my Fantasy Football league in 2005.
Johnnie Morton: The Man. The Myth. The Legend.
by craig in calgary on Nov 9, 2009 12:15 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
Na na na na...Na na na na...
Hey hey hey…..Goodbye!!!
Virtus In Arduo
by carthagechief on Nov 9, 2009 12:17 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
Bye Larry
Thanks for making us miss out on the best Safety in football.
Please help send my girlfriend to Broadway! Visit http://magonbroadway.blogspot.com/
by Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 12:18 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
Hah
Don’t get tackled from behind on your way out!
How cute…someone thinks he’s still able to blow by tacklers so they can drag him down from behind. :)
And finally, from all of us here at Arrowhead Pride (except for the troll) and most especially from UCrawford,
SO LONG LARRY
Thanks for the shout-out Patrick…you pretty much nailed my sentiment on it. :)
Moderator - Arrowhead Pride
Predictions for 2009
Fire Haley now.
by UCrawford on Nov 9, 2009 12:18 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
It would be the same feeling
if he was leaving Arrowhead and someone tackled him and resigned him as it was when he was 10 yards from the end zone and got tackled by a nose tackle.
Please help send my girlfriend to Broadway! Visit http://magonbroadway.blogspot.com/
by Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 12:22 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
On LJ's Wikipedia
Expected to fly to Boston on November 10, 2009 to workout for the New England Patriots.
Normally I would say this was full of shit, but wikipedia nailed the Bobby Engram signing about 1/2 hour before it was announced.
If LJ won a Superbowl ring I’d throw up. Even more than I threw up when Eric Hinske won 2 World Series rings.
Johnnie Morton: The Man. The Myth. The Legend.
by craig in calgary on Nov 9, 2009 12:25 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
If that is true and they signed him....
I think I’d hate NE from that day going forward. It would be a close race with my feelings for the Raiders.
Bill Parcell’s: "You are what your record says you are."
"My job is not to collect talent, but to build a team. Individuals make the Pro Bowl. Teams win championships. That is our goal."—Chiefs GM Scott Pioli.
by THE_TRUTH on Nov 9, 2009 12:27 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
I really hope the Raiders pick him up...so we can play him this weekend.
Don't Fuccop Succop
by chicks_love_chiefs on Nov 9, 2009 12:29 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
If The Patriots Sign Him
I won’t give a damn. I think the guy’s a bum and I’m just glad he’s not here anymore.
Moderator - Arrowhead Pride
Predictions for 2009
Fire Haley now.
by UCrawford on Nov 9, 2009 1:42 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Cheers to that
Please help send my girlfriend to Broadway! Visit http://magonbroadway.blogspot.com/
by Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 1:47 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Me too
I could care less who signs him. He will be their problem and not ours.
"There are few secrets in football. So execute." ~Coach Stram
"I think it's the fans. The place is crazy. It's a good crazy, if you're Kansas City." ~Coach Schottenheimer
by Bad Medicine on Nov 9, 2009 3:29 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
I don't see that sentence.
Someone cleaned it up.
by nycchief on Nov 9, 2009 12:31 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Damn
2005 – 2,093 yards from scrimmage, 21 total TDs
2006 – 2,199 yards from scrimmage, 19 total TDs
I realize he is a shadow of his former self, and I blame Herm for running him into the ground and then Carl for paying him after his production, but when he was good…he was VERY good.
Johnnie Morton: The Man. The Myth. The Legend.
by craig in calgary on Nov 9, 2009 12:43 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
yepp when he had several HOFers, and one of the best O-lines ever blocking for him...
he was pretty damn good…
Don't Fuccop Succop
by chicks_love_chiefs on Nov 9, 2009 1:16 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
That would be the line
that blocked for Priest, too?
by NJ Chiefs Fan on Nov 9, 2009 1:53 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Naw....
They sucked when Priest ran the ball. He did it all himself
Predictions for 2009:
The Chiefs will regret cutting LJ
Bowe's numbers regress due to lack of decent QB play.
The D gets better in the second half but still is plagued by big plays
Cassel looks more like the guy Pioli almost cut in the '08 preseason instead of the franchise QB he hoped he would be when he traded him for
Chiefs 3-13
by bonesjackson on Nov 9, 2009 7:01 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
He was good as a pure rusher
Not really good at anything else, including being a blocker, teammate, or human being.
by burntorangehorn on Nov 9, 2009 1:31 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs
you forgot Seattle,
they might bring him in, and watch Philly, they like to scoop up dogshit
by Sea of RED on Nov 9, 2009 12:52 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
rec'd PA!
Winning begins with Attitude - Haley and Pioli will be winners in KC!
I'll forever be a Chiefs fan! Only God himself could take that away from me, but when I get to my great reward, I'll rejoin two bigger fans, my Mom and Dad.
by Lanier63 on Nov 9, 2009 12:53 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
LJ, thanks for the over-the-top buzzer beater against the Raiders.
The end of that game was tits.
"What?!?! I aint no Obama for the weed!"
-Turk McBride
by HIV 2 Elway on Nov 9, 2009 12:59 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
All this LJ/Polamalu got me thinking about
When Polamalu picked us off and was dashing down the sidelines, outrunning LJ, so he tackled him by his hair and then jerked him back up by it? Classy move LJ, I wish Polamalu would have bitch slapped you.
I hope this link works
by The Other Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 1:03 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
Colquit did the same thing yesterday.
Would you prefer them not tackle the dude?
"What?!?! I aint no Obama for the weed!"
-Turk McBride
by HIV 2 Elway on Nov 9, 2009 1:09 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Not so much the pulling him down by the hair
but the pulling him back up by it. And more that he wishes LJ would have gotten bitch slapped.
Please help send my girlfriend to Broadway! Visit http://magonbroadway.blogspot.com/
by Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 1:33 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
I Had No Problem With That Tackle
Hair is part of the uniform and it was a legal tackle
What I did have a problem with was the extra pull he made on the hair that got us a 15 yard penalty. Deservedly.
Moderator - Arrowhead Pride
Predictions for 2009
Fire Haley now.
by UCrawford on Nov 9, 2009 1:43 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah, exactly
I remember cheering the tackle, but when he did the extra pull, that was a punk move. Probably the worst on the field act by LJ, I’m really surprised we didn’t see more.
by The Other Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 1:54 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
What about when Brackenridge punched that guy square in the balls?
Please help send my girlfriend to Broadway! Visit http://magonbroadway.blogspot.com/
by Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 2:06 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Oh man,
I forgot about the Brackenpunch. It was justified though, that dude was a Bronco
by The Other Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 2:09 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
I had no problem with the extra pull
He was the only impressive thing in that whole game.
Colquit WAS the highlight reel.
70 yrd punt, 56 yrd punt, and the damn PUNTER saves a run back for a touchdown when the rest of the team can’t block.
Seriously, did you watch him run down that tackle?
He took a good angle. He busted his ass and ran HARD.
He never gave up at any point during the play.
And most importantly, he showed some attitude and moxy at the point of attack.
The rest of the Chiefs could learn a LOT from watching Colquit’s attitude and persuit on that play.
I’ll trade 15 yards for that kind of effort and fire in the belly any day, any game, on any play.
The Powers Of Astute Observation Are Often Mistaken As Cynacism By Those That Do Not Posses Them -- G.B. Shaw
by Texas Chief on Nov 10, 2009 4:16 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
It didn't work
Guess you’ll have to search Polamalu Larry Johnson on youtube
by The Other Patrick Allen on Nov 9, 2009 1:09 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
I am not remembering this correctly, or didn't LJ's first problem with a woman involve a gun?
I seem to remember something about him having a gun, but nobody seems to mention that, which to me is far worse than spitting on a woman.
Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate, so he's really not a part of our family. Also, he's divorced, so he's really not a part of his family.
by Rev. Slappy on Nov 9, 2009 1:23 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
Wikepedia...
Johnson has been arrested four times since 2003 on various assault charges against women. In 2003, he was arrested for felony aggravated assault and misdemeanor domestic battery for waving a gun at his then-girlfriend, during an argument at his home. The charges were dropped when Johnson agreed to participate in a domestic violence diversion program. In 2005, he was again arrested for assault when a woman accused Johnson of pushing her to the ground, but the case was dropped after the alleged victim failed to appear in court for three different hearings.
His third arrest for assault came on February 24, 2008, after allegedly pushing a woman’s head at a nightclub on February 24.17 On October 10, 2008, Johnson was arrested for the fourth time and charged with one count of non-aggravated assault for allegedly spitting a drink in a woman’s face at a Kansas City nightclub on Oct. 11.18 The woman involved, Ashley Stewart, has since filed a civil suit against Johnson, accusing him of negligence, assault and battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress and negligent infliction of emotional distress.19
It was announced on Oct. 16, 2008, that Johnson would be deactivated for the October 19 game against the Tennessee Titans in response to violating an undisclosed team rule.20 The team said his suspension for this game was unrelated to the newest criminal investigation.
In March 2009 Johnson pleaded guilty to the two incidents in 2008 and was sentenced to two years probation.21
"The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer."
--John Madden
by cpa913 on Nov 9, 2009 2:08 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Good riddance
And Penn State sucks!
GO PITT!!!!
Prediction: 2009 AFC West gets Emmy for best drama.
by CT Chief Fan on Nov 9, 2009 1:52 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
damn LJ...
…for being one of the best running backs in the league for two year
…because Herm just thought you could put big boulders on the o-line and it would work just as good
…for wanting out of a team that has lost 27 of its last 30 games
…for spitting in a womens face when we all know she had it coming
by zbartmess on Nov 9, 2009 2:02 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
I hope you just forgot the sarcasm font, because that is just absurd.
Feeling "The Love" and "Drinking the Kool AId"
by KCporkchop on Nov 9, 2009 2:12 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
i dont even know how to put the sarcasm font...
but yeah i was just kidding…i was just doing what pat did in those one posts. ‘Damn Haley’ and the other one that was posted
by zbartmess on Nov 9, 2009 6:39 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
Hey look everyone
I was young, I was in college, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. So umm do you guys still like to party?
by krayfish on Nov 9, 2009 4:00 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
bye larry
as a broncos fan i fear u just prenend every team is denver and u might have a 2 chance try the ufl just think if u working hard u wouilid have be something spiecal the poor fans devence better u resept the nfl when u open u mouth the fans pay u money and u hurt u dad chance at penn state when joepa laves in 20 years lol
okay i have cereal palsy arhrtis and chronic fatiue as well i have a grea life loveing folks some days are better that other days i got a make a wish in 2001 saw my favorive team the broncos was the trip of the lifetime i wish everyone couild gotten to enjoy that with me i know some of u hate the broncos and that ok but i bleed organ and bule
by j-man on Nov 9, 2009 4:12 PM CST reply actions 1 recs
Joepa will be there for another 50 years.
He’s a cyborg.
Johnnie Morton: The Man. The Myth. The Legend.
by craig in calgary on Nov 9, 2009 4:27 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs
OH yah...I was referring to my pics above...didn't know
PA found my website
by krayfish on Nov 9, 2009 4:13 PM CST reply actions 0 recs
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