Dear Potential Employer/ Recruiting Manager/ Mr. Davis/ Mr. Snyder,
Hello. Thank you for taking the time to look over my resume and qualifications. I am an accomplished professional in my field and I was recently laid off due to my stupid ass conduct on and off the football field. I am looking to reinvent myself, by which I mean I would like to get paid a butt load of money to potentially assist in destroying your football organization. Mr. Davis and Mr. Snyder, I do not presume to be nearly as adept at ruining a football franchise as yourselves, however I do feel that I bring a remarkable skill set that you and your front office would greatly value.
I am consistently in trouble with the law. This is an excellent opportunity for you to take your troubles on the field and expand them with a lot of off field issues and poor national media coverage of your organization. I am a PR nightmare and would surly lower the public opinion of your football club. Those who still think highly of me I will personally visit and spit a cocktail in their face to ensure their devotion does not last long.
I am not just valuable off the field but on the field as well. I learned early on that by being successful I was helping my team to win so I very quickly began to suck. Before being fired from my last employer I was currently on pace to have the worse season for a starting running back in the history of football. As long as you have an offensive line I promise you I will run straight into the back of them and then promptly fall down. If a hole does open up, not to worry I am a team player. I will be sure to be caught from behind and maybe, if I can manage it, I will cough up the football before I go down. I will also ensure that your QB only lasts a couple of games because I will be sure not to pick up any blockers ones I get paid.
In closing I hope that you can see I will be a great asset to destroying your organization. Please see my enclosed resume.
I look forward to working with you,
Address: The Club, Las Vegas
The Kansas City Chiefs (Fired) 2003-2009
- Rushed for 1750 yards in 2005. Scored 20 TD's.
- Rushed for 1789 in 2006, though it took me 80 more carries to get that extra 39 yards.
- In 2007 I averaged 3.7 yards per carry. Blamed it on teams stacking the box to stop me. Was then promptly injured.
- Summer 08', smacked some women around. Pretty much got away with it.
- Missed games due to suspension in 2008 season. Accumulated only 800 some odd yards rushing. Fumbled 5 times.
- 2009 season; rushed for 358 yards or 2.7 yards per carry. Used offensive homophobic slurs, insulted fans and coach. Apologized when it looked like I was gonna lose some money. Was fired.
- Scored 9 TD's in last 29 games.
$2.1 million with a $500,000 bonus.
- Running directly into the back of the center and then falling down
- Terrible pass blocking, recently improved to average
- Slapping women
- Opening champagne
- Rapper posse enthusiast and hanger on
- Professional team killer/cancer
- Gay bashing and homophobic propagandist
- Spot on Herman Edwards impression
- Clubbing. (both the place and the activity..."clubbing women") Please now enjoy some photos of me in action;
And finally, from all of us here at Arrowhead Pride (except for the troll) and most especially from UCrawford,
SO LONG LARRY,
Don't get tackled from behind on your way out!