By way of introduction, the PARADE and the PARADEBULATIONS have been a pre-game tradition of the AP's for some time bringing insight, nonsense, and absurd pictures of dolphins whether or not we happen to be playing Miami. Self-described as a royal plural presence attempting to write the "Finnegan's Wake" of Chiefs fandom in blog form, the PARADE has been present since the founding of the earliest incarnation of the AP but as of late has been on sabbatical. When envisioning a far less reverent "founder's plaza for the AP" the PARADE expressed their wish to have a "Smithy of the PARADE's Soul" Room which would house a statue with Bruce Smith's head on the body of a Lord of the Rings Orc doing a mocking 'tomahawk chop' at the 1993 AFC Championship while an indistinguishable, but nevertheless vaguely handsome, boy weeps as his lost balloon floats away.
Many of you undoubtedly have fears about this current season. What's with our o-line? Who's a legitimate secondary option to Bowe? Where's the high powered Arizonian offense? Will we ever win a game? How can we go on without Swayze?
All these factors can be a little overwhelming when it's still only week 4 of the regular season. That's why we've decided to provide a little distraction from the fact we're playing one of the most over-hyped teams that also happens to be 3 and 0.
This week we'll have a some mildly humorous pictorial jokes, a SPECIAL PARADE exclusive real life Eli story straight from the PARADE's memoir "Ain't Nuthin Gonna Stop This Curiously Titled Chiefs Site Now" ("Going Rogue" was already taken), some fantasy football advice, your game time snack of the week, your game time beer of the week, a 'special' commenter award (ombudmanstyle!), and as always, something to blow your ever-chatanoogin noggin.
1952-2009 NEVER FORGET
Cause he's a "Giant" ... get it, what's that Eli?
"I'm * hiccup * the GREATEST I've had tree appletinis arready!"
"Oh, oh god no, no no no, on so many levels, no."
"Ceci n'est pas une Lawrence Taylor"
That's a thinking man's retarded picture joke.
The start of a very disturbing trend for this 'bulation...
Now like most of you, we were not particularly impressed with this little soliloquy, if anything the first part of his little speech was far gayer than the tongue in cheek feigned homoeroticism at the end.
So an NFL player exhibiting High School like homophobia, big whoop right? Well, um actually there appears to be a really 'queer' phenomenon going on around the New York Giants fan culture. (WARNING: This is a craigslist link, if you can't figure out where this is probably going you might not want to click on that link and definitely none of the links on the craigslist site).
And here's your completely unrelated dolphin picture:
"THE" ELI STORY...
Over the course of the PARADE's life, we've had more than few disturbing examples of our paths crossing with the younger Manning brother. Some which can't be shared in this forum but suffice to say were confident that we could emotionally obliterate the man in a matter of minutes.
However this story is not about us. Our former roommate was a pretty entertaining character. He claimed to have a mild case of asperger's syndrome and would engage in elaborately designed, multi-stage, long-term physical humor jokesmanship. One St. Patrick's day he dressed in green from head to toe, but then under that he had an entire head to layer of yellow and under that a layer of red. He planned to wait until someone made a comment and then strip off the first layer and explain he "didn't give a sh*t about St. Patrick's day this is merely his anger level alert system." And that was about a C level joke for him.
Anyway, in college he went to a Georgia game where they were playing Ole Miss. Now our roommate was about 6'4," over two bills, and had a pretty booming voice if he chose to use it. So he's at this game and is sitting about 10 rows back, basically on the 50. And Georgia is just taking it to Ole Miss, it's just a blow out.
So our roommate's sitting there and he sees Eli after a lousy offensive series come over to the bench and start yelling at his teammates like the white kid who swears at this parents from Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" routine (NSFW language).
So Eli's out there all: "What the frick guys! C'mon! We can do this! Get our heads out of butts!" and generally throwing a Rivers-esque tantrum.
Then one of those lulls that falls over a crowd when things kind of slow down, you know the noise level gets down to like a low hum, like a baseball game.
Anyway at this point my roomate stands up, cups his hands and in a booming voice yells:
"Eliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!! RAL-LY the trrrrrrrROOPS!!!!!!!"
And he claims, CLAIMS mind you, that Eli made direct eye contact with him, and at the same time the entire section he was in just burst out laughing over the absurdity of the situation.
And the best part is he claims Eli sniffle a little bit and immediately put his head down and was rubbing his eye with the back of his wrist. He's not sure, it could have been sweat, but he thinks he saw a single tear roll down Eli's cheek before turning away.
FANTASY FOOSBALL ADVICE TYPE THING or DEAR PARADEY...
Well, Greg Olsen is continuing to make us look the fool, and our O-line made any Chiefs pick-up look stupid, but we maintain Bobby Wade is worth picking up as a sleeper spot. Also, unrelated to the PARADE's selections, we have Wes Welker, wtf Bellichick? You'd play your mother with a broken hip. This kinder gentler Bill Bellinazi is lame.
This week, Tashard Choice would be a good pick-up, but likely someone in you league watches MNF and picked him up after the Giants game. Also, Barber's beast mo' (is Marshawn back yet?) is immune to injury weakening. So, here you go the real sneak pick-up? Mewelde Moore. The man T.C.O.B'd for our team all last year, and Mendenhall strikes as bit temperamental. That said, Dallas plays at Denver, and Pittsburgh plays San Diego at home, so make your call based on that.
YOUR GAMETIME SNACK OF THE WEEK
1.5 lbs of ground beef, 1 package of bacon, 1 package of italian sausage, 1 box of hot pockets, 1/2 package of fried onion strips between 2 Tombstone Pepperoni Pizzas topped with Velveta Cheese and Marinara Sauce.
We're not going to even try to explain this one away.
YOUR GAME TIME DRINK OF THE WEEK
= Why you're such a classy guy.
Seriously, though, the local booze merchant has come under new management since the PARADE returned to the U.S. and the selection sucks and the "sales" are about what the old management charge. This could get rough folks
"SPECIAL" COMMENT OF THE WEEK
I sure loved Dick too
I wish he never would have left. Bring back Dick!! lol But I’ll take Haley in the meantime.
This 'bulations really taken a turn for the classy side.
AND SOMETHING(S) TO BLOW YOUR MIND
Oh, and happy Oktoberfest everyone...