*Not a typo, that's what type of edtion it is.
Or Alternatively: Clark Hunt's Acumen is Indeed Tremendous Edition.
Yesterday or as some may choose to call it, the Pioliest of Piolies, the Kansas City Chiefs apparently signed some unknown front office suit that people seem to be excited about. More importantly the INGLEAPOLYPSE's resigning PARADE will be in Brookside this Tuesday around 8 am, you might want to get there around 5am if you want to actually be able to see anything.
Not a Tim Tebow post we promise.
With childlike giddiness and reckless optimism the AP exploded in a flutter of adolescent protuberances and girlish chatter.
Primetime asked if we'd whip up a special Feast of the Pioli Redeemer post and yea verily, here it be.
Where to start? Well, we do think the AP's unbridled fan boy enthusiasm for front office moves is a little premature (if not geeky), but overall we're thrilled as well with the move. We'd also like to declare a stupidity moratorium on stupid Bellichick coordinator comparisons. Pioli's position changed from employee to boss with the He Who is Hooded to a righthand man role long ago. A conciliar rather than a captain if you will. Also, the role here is totally different than that of a coach.
In short, Pioli is our new talent barometer, and our barometer is good.
But before jumping into the much loved AP activity of second guessing before decisions are even made, let's pause a moment and take in graphically the momentousness of this occasion....
Man, all that construction, Arrowhead looks different...
What can you say? They get down in Lenexa we guess?
The best part for Pioli is that as a GM he's walking into a football city that wants to love him and the team he's in charge of. This also includes inheriting a fan base that is aware that football was played before Drew Bledsoe was in the league and does not feel that by the divine right of M*sshole Kings (Possible Bill Simmons) or Tawmmy from Quinzee (click that link if you're not familiar, you'll be glad you did) that the citizenry of Kansas City is not more "deserving" or "entitled" or somehow arbitrarily better than other fanbases.
In fact their unassuming devotion is clearly measurable by there presence tailgating and at the games. Whereas previously, or concurrently should New England fail through no fault attributable to Pioli, Mr. Pioli was subjected to a fanbase that expressed not only disapproval but really any sort emotion in this mad lib sort of form:
"You Faaahkin faawwk, I [emotion] you, arrhah, I should [action] sowaa maauch, before I [unspeakable act of violence] to your [female relative/pet] with a [power/industrial tool], caahmeeyre... [embrace/grusome beating].
This is not to suggest Chiefs fans are above making Italian American stereotypes, except ours will be more charactitured and abstract as opposed to making specific threats on one's family based on a guy they know in Providence, RI.
LJ should really hang this on his wall somewhere, and maybe start picking up nautical metaphors.
Moreover, in addition to racial diversity, BBQ (we recommend Oklahoma Joe's Mr. Pioli), and "traffic" slowing the snails pace of 25 mph and that does not involve trading paint, you will have to adjust to KC's mind numbingly cheap real estate prices.
That about does it for topical.
On to playoff picks?
We'll confess, we love Donovan McNabb (not only for the reason it's a great year for the black irish with O'Bama and Louis Murphy from Florida ... Kwame Kilpatrick must be soctch-irish) but we love McNabb because he's a big dude who doesn't make a big deal out of any of this nonsense. He admits that some of the things he does and says are stupid and then that's it, big deal... It's not like Brett Favre where the media swoons over everything and "he's just playing like a kid out there" and then they make a huge drama over whether he'll retire. McNabb just wins football games and runs around like a guy half his age and maybe 3/4 his weight.
I didn't know "Sapp" was irish?
Also, Westerbrook is our new favorite RB and if Reid has half a brain they should be able to puncture the ridiculous Godpony Dreamsicle we pass to set up the run Cardinals.
RAY LEWIS FIX YO SOUL over the Stillers of Kasasburgh Lite
Why B-less when you could B-MORE??
Bodymore, Murderland baby, purple is an ugly color, the raven is one dumb mascot, but so what, CRABS AND FOOTBALL IT'S WHAT WE DO!!!
Also, we hate Pittsburgh because if you compared their city to KC they'd go nuts, but in reality it's an industrial dump with twice the blight and half the upside. Really the only way they should be so lucky to compare themselve is that it's a relative obsessive football fanbase with a tradition.
Ray Ray and McNulty pray to the same God or at least "A" God
Quick Note on the Media
Everybody is bitching about the Chiefs Home website and the KC Star, but really, how atrocious is it that Peter King, Bill Simmons, and Greg Easterbrook all had absolutely no relevant insight prior to the deal?
Really Massholes, other New England fans, we bear you no ill will, you succeeded when our team was down, great, Raider and Denver playoff wins, way to go, East Coast snobbery? We're polite but boring, let's call it even? All in all, keep up the good work, hopefully things can be symbiotically successful. EXCEPT....
BILL SIMMONS, you back sniveling self-obsessed, myopic, inside inside lame joke lord of the assclowns, YOU WE WILL SUCK EVERY DROP OF SCHADENFREUDE OUT OF AND SPIT ON YOUR TEAMS ASPIRATIONAL GRAVES (again apologies all of you above).
No, what we hate about Simmons is that he makes no NONE NADA acknowledgment that as a nationally syndicated sports writer he has SOME only the minutest duty to write about the rest of the country like he knows more than 98.7% of college sophomore frat boys with a cable connection.
Know what you told us about the 2009 Chiefs Mr. Simmons?
Know what the sum total of your syndicated wisdom on one of 26 teams you've had 18 weeks to cover has been?
"WE CAN BUILD ON THIS"
Oh, wait, have you stopped laughing yet? Have you dear reader? Or are you just dumbstruck by that brilliant insight? Can you believe it? He actually quoted Herm Edwards saying something slightly less than clever? BUT HOW??? WHAT IS YOUR JOURNALISTIC SECRET BILL? WHERE ARE THE PULITZERS??
[really if your a normal pats fan click away now]
Two names Mr. William J-GOSCREWYOURSELF Simmons: Pollard, Pioli, may they haunt your walking nightmares....
Something that will blow your mind:
We've done better
so here's this
Still no good? Alright well he're a song we like and that's about all we can do on this short notice:
Think the 'Exile' Stones but with female backing vocals