Your Saturday Afternoon PARADEBAROO*: Wherein the PARADE Demands Mainpage Promotion from PRIMETIME via a TOUR DE FORCE OF FORCE

[Ed. Note: Bumped.  Sign up for the official intervention of the PARADE in the comments.   -Primetime]

We, the PARADE, realizes that many of the Pride's readership don't take the PARADE's posts as seriously as those containing stats and recycled Fanhaus prognostications.

In fact many of you probably assume the PARADE, wakes up, eats his hemp cereal, and then finds tangential absurdist pictures and ways to relate Nic Cage's performance in Leaving Las Vegas to the Chiefs' offensive line.

Well, we have only one response to that:

via tn3-1.deviantart.com

The dyslexic falcon and down syndrome Pat Patriot were not available for portraiture.

We were originally going to go with THIS picture, but perhaps we'll save that for the game day thread.

Regardless, the PARADE's coming at you this week with some substantive analysis, fantasy football advice, interweb commentary, Chiefs' nostalgia, a gameday recipe, a beer, requests for photoshop AND something that will blow your mind that you have yet to hear about.

We know, pret-tay meaty get ready:

A little substantive analysis for UCrawford, Ridic Matt & ChiefsDJ to ridicule and fight about:

Let's face it, Chiefs be screwed this week, but the PARADE will provide a homer's incredulous glimmer of hope crackpot we'll win on the X-factor hypothesis.  First, this year is bad, but honestly, it could be worse, this isn't Detroit, there are pieces there, they are just miles away from what is known as together, or complete.

Pipedream hypothesis: Chiefs are due, they're at home, it's past "league embarrassment" it's playing for pride and not to personally embarrass yourself and your team (if that last part makes any sense).  Damon Huard (while the PARADE maintains Huard is psychological succubus to team morale: "ooh he gives us the best chance of winning" [6 to 8 games ever]), Huard is a psycological improvement.

Think of it as we're a pack and instead of following the lamb (Thigpen) directely into the Lions' den, we're following the old goat (Huard) who knows enought to run in the right direction, but is so slow as to allow us to be picked off one by one.

YEAH BABY OLD GOAT TIME!!!

via www.richbauer.net

#1 Our defense needs to score and to get to Cutler.  We can't out score them so we must crush their psyche and establish the Arrowhead advantage.

#2 The Denver defense is weak, and while cohesively our offense is abismal, we've got some pretty good parts: Tony, LJ or D-Bowe could torch them if they're all on.

This brings us to...

Fantasy Football Advice:

The PARADE hates fantasy footbal, it splits allegences, makes crappy football fans stat junkies, and completely underminds the importance of defense.  This "makes you a better fan" is crap, so you know how the Jets receivers are doing?  Great, who other than Champ Bailey is in the Broncos secondary?

via jwoodard.best.vwh.net

For the bible sayeth fantasizing is wrong, football is right, which is this?

That said, the PARADE has been suckered into playing for the first year, and is first in the PARADE's league.  So suck it. (apparently the NFL has purged the footage of Favre giving Dilfer the Triple H 'suck it' gesture, so uh, no hyperlink).

This weeks advice we'll be a little more of karmic commuppance:

LJ, TG and D-Bowe are on my team, and you know what, even when we suck, they, or at least one (and usually TG regardless) puts up decent numbers.  Homerism?  Sure.  But it's the 2008 Chiefs, you don't have room to complain.  So the PARADE's advice, start Bowe, why the hell not, especially if your other options are Isaac Bruce or Sproles like the PARADE.

Interweb Commentary:

Often while publishing our wildly popular Interweb Commentaries (not to mention accurate prognostications on Tom Brady's future health), the public will ask, the PARADE, how do you know when jokes go too far?  When are you bringing the whole discourse down?

The answer to the second part is always, this is a Madisonian democracy no matter how much Jeffersonian candyland crap they teach in middle school, blogs are America, ugly and fractioned, deal with it.

Well, the PARADE ascribes to the Deadspin/KSK mantra of 'always be funny.'

Beyond that, know your limits, these are sports joke, d*ck jokes, obscene and irreverent are acceptable, and even encouraged (notions of post-modern transcendence should be pretty well entrenched if you plan on being controversial).

But, this, this is neither funny nor particularly transcendant or ironic, it's the football fan with one arm on the bottom rung of the joke ladder and the rest in a primordial troglodyte ooze.  Best not to get too worked up over these people, but it's the perfect example of not so much too far, as too little.

Chiefs' Nostalgia:

via www.r-b21.com

Nice game game against the Broncos at Mile High in '94, hope you're reading this J.

A Gameday Recipe:

Many of you Priders and Paraders probably did not know that the PARADE is a bit of a culinary artist.  After a brief stint in college as bus boy/food runner/waiter/bartender/pantry & line chef in college, the PARADE picked up some tricks (Called going to Trader Joe's when you run out of what you need).

The PARADE also made sour cream by whipping regular cream adding lemon juice and salt, but there's no reason any former patrons might want to know that.

Anyway, most of our creations are sandwich centric, so we present the PARADE EURO BURGER:

Toast two pre-made english crumpets (hamburger buns will work but we got crumpets out of curiosity and they worked well)

You're going to want to use the flat pancakey sides as the outside with the holy english muffiny sides facing the meat (the result is a little hourglass looking, but more absorbant).

Then in a pan, or if you have grill, put on two pre-fab Trader Joe hamburger patties pre-mixed with seasoning, red peppers and onions.  (Normally, the PARADE hates welfare burgers but these are judicially seasoned).  Coating the pan or marinating with olive oil is a nice touch as well.

Then in a small frying pan, the PARADE (health concious because of all the Omega-3 in our hemp cereal) likes to poach an egg.  Basting or frying the egg will also work, and possibly more delicious, just be sure you have a runny yolk.  I reccomend poaching freestyle in boiling water for no more than a minute and 20 second.

Then, prior to taking the burger out of the pan slice up some Trader Joe's Dutch Smoked Cheese (it's apparently reduced fat, the PARADE was looking for some smoked gouda or possibly edam? but this is what the PARADE got and damn if it wasn't good.

Finally, be careful in the construction of your crumpet egg dutch cheese burger.  The Parade reccomends start open face, burger with cheese on one and the egg on the other.  Then judicially poke some holes through the center of your egg for maximum yolk to bread distribution, and minimum spillage in assembly, then put burger on top and flip.

A Beer:

via www.brewerschoice.net.au

This is Hofbrau Oktoberfest, on sale at your local COSTCO.

Any Questions?

Seriously, even if you don't like European beers, its a good buy, lighter than your usual "Octoberfest" beer but not a heineken-smelling lager.

Requests for photoshop:

For the PARADE's inevitable upcoming dissertation on how Kansas City should become the Post-Modern, Absurdist, Dada Capital of the Sports World, could someone merge Bones' head on this picture of a pipe for the PARADE's masterpiece:

"This is not a Chief"

See:

via cache.deadspin.com

Never gets old...

AND

via www.artinthepicture.com

Maybe mirror image the pipe so his face is going with it?  Thanks.

Strangely Mac's lack the same sweet abilities of sh*tty photoshopping that a PC's MS PAINT guarantees is hampering the PARADE. 

Something That Will Blow Your Mind That You Have Yet To Hear About:

The PARADE presents the American premeire of the MIGHTY BOOSH:

They'll be more Boosh and more PARADE to come...

*See the pevious PARADEBAROO's naming credits.