I posted these as a comment in another thread, but I thought I'd give them their own post. Make fun of yourself in the comments! If we can't laugh at ourselves now, we can't convince ourselves everyone else is laughing with us!
A prognostic preview of this week's predictions from the AP regulars:
DJ: I think we’ll go out and surprise some people. Herm will have this team ready to play. Will we win? I don’t know, I’m not going to say. Will we be competitive? I don’t know, I’m not going to say. Will we ever resemble anything that ever remotely is similar to an actual football team? I don’t know. I’m not going to say. It’s pointless anyway. Because if I say so, you’ll just blame Herm anyway. And I’m done with it. Like, for example, the other day, I was at Wendy’s, and I asked for a Big Mac. And they said “Sir, this isn’t McDonalds. It’s Wendy’s. We don’t have a Big Mac.” I just don’t get it. Don’t you people have patience? Oh, sure, they say they’ll have patience and give me a Big Mac. But when I actually order one? No, they just want to give me a frosty. So go on and blame Herm Edwards, but I can tell you this. Eventually, that Big Mac is coming. And if it weren’t for Dick Vermeil, I’d already have two Big Macs. And if we don’t run the ball 700 times a game? That Big Mac isn’t going to cook itself. Have you ever noticed that Herm’s biceps are dreamy? I mean, I’m not saying. I’m just saying. A little bit.
UCrawford: You know who’s going to win on Sunday? Carl Peterson. Carl Peterson and his fiendish plot to destroy us all. Did you know that Carl Peterson is behind the plummett of the stock market? Did you know he’s behind the Pentaverate which includes the Queen, the Rothchilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up? We’re going to lose 1070 million to one. The only way we might be able to score two points is if we put in Damon Huard. Did you know that Damon heals the sick? Because he does. I mean, not completely. They still die. But just before they die? Their temperature lowers a degree. It’s amazing, really.He’s such a good guy. Have you seen those highlights? I mean, he’s a 35 year old guy with bleached blonde hair! He’s like Art Alexakis only with a weaker arm. And by “weaker arm” I mean “amazing eyes.” Also, we suck. Even if we win this game and Tyler throws three touchdowns and goes for 300 yards, all that means is that Carl Peterson is trying to get our hopes up before he ruins it. Did you know that Carl Peterson sucks? Oh,and if you were confused, let me take seventeen million blockquotes of your above statement and throw them back in your face. EAT IT.
primetime: Abandon all hope, ye who comment here. You suck, you suck, you’re wrong, you suck, you’re cool, you suck. /spellcheck
Eric Allen: Do you NOT understand? We are going to LOSE! We will SCORE FEWER points than the OTHER team? Herm Edwards is the worst running back/quarterback/wide receiver/sushi chef/animation artist/kung fu master I have ever seen! God! What do we have to do! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!
Ridiculous Matt: Unproductive sarcasm + witty banter + pop culture reference= COMMENTING BRILLIANCE! Quick! Twist your opponent’s words into nonsense without convincing anyone! Hurry! /goes off to write the three NBA blogs he manages for a sport no one cares about
CatStabber: That guy sucks. That guy sucks. That guy sucks. That guy’s okay. Ooh, good idea, that guy. That guy sucks. +1.
HIV2Elway: Come on guys, can’t we stop with all these fervent overreaction and calls for unnecessarily harsh punishment for our players who fail us and our enemies?
PVChiefsFan: *Remains optimistic as hurls self off roof
Lanier63: You damn kids get off of my lawn!
Chris: Fuck you people, I’m going to India.