Let Me Tell You About A Man Named Bones

by Ridiculous Matt on Sep 20, 2008 8:00 PM CDT

There once was a man.

No, a legend.

A legend that liked to have sex with skeletons.

His name?

Bones.

Bones Thigpen.

(Yes, his name is Bones. His name would be Pigpen if it were 19fucking70. Charles Schulz is dead, there is no Great Pumpkin, and that Christmas tree was pathetic. Get the fuck over it. MOVE ON.)

Where did Bones come from? No one knows. Sure, people say 'Coastal Carolina.' But as far as I know, that's not a state, that's a state of mind. Sure, they didn't have football two years before he got there. But you know why? They had no need of football before Bones Thigpen showed up.

Then he wound up in Minnesota. Which sucks. You know why he was cut? Because he didn't suck enough. And he wasn't an overrated flash in the pan that likes to get hammered and play Road Rash the real-life version.

So he ended up with us. Oh, what's that you say? He looked terrible last week? He scored a fucking touchdown in a National Football League game. What did you do? Oh, that's right, you didn't throw a touchdown in a National Football League game. You watched Bones Thigpen throw a touchdown in a National Football League game. Was he bad? Yes. You know why? Not enough skeletal sex. But this week? Let me show you what's on tap for this week.

That's what's coming. He's been on a limited skeleton sex diet while he's been learning the offense. But tomorrow? Tomorrow he is unleashed. The Falcons will no longer fear hell, for they will know what it's like to get skeletalfucked by Bones Thigpen.

HERE! IS HIS BOOMSTICK!

And then, when he gets back and adornes himself in praise and hype and celebrity, enjoys a tasty Boulevard (the last real Missouri beer now that those watered down St. Louian Budweiser fucks have been bought out by Belgians... who gets taken over by Belgium?), and enters into greatness, he'll have a special surprise waiting for him.

Now that's what I call Daisy Dukes. Suck on that Romosexual.

Bones Thigpen.

It's not just a name, it's a verb. It's not just a nickname, it's a movement.

MAWK IT DOWN!

This is a FanPost and does not necessarily reflect the views of Arrowhead Pride's writers or editors. It does reflect the views of this particular fan though, which is as important as the views of Arrowhead Pride writers or editors.

1 recs | Comment 16 comments

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Comments

Best. Post. Ever.

by primetime 07 on Sep 20, 2008 8:18 PM CDT 0 recs

It could have been better

I just can’t understand what the F word brings to blogging. I know there are kids on here and it doesn’t help when mom or dad come looking over their shoulder and see that. Other than that I loved Matt’s enthusiasm for the game and the hype he brought.
Thats just my opinion.

by Lanier63 on Sep 20, 2008 8:51 PM CDT up 0 recs

You blog like you write.

On the other sites I run, I don’t, but then it’s a credibility issue. I wanted to have some fun. A kid’s not going to be hurt by hearing someone say fuck. They’re going to be hurt by being sheltered and then having shell shock when exposed to the rest of the world. But that’s just my opinion.

I wouldn’t post this as a front page post, and I’m sure Chris won’t frontpage it.

But Jesus, lighten the fuck up. It’s the internet. There are videos of unpeakable horror. And there’s really no gentle way of saying skeleton fucking.

Bones. It's not just a noun it's a verb. Not just a nickname, a movement.

by Ridiculous Matt on Sep 20, 2008 9:25 PM CDT up 0 recs

You also blog you speak.

That’s what I meant to write. Sorry, hopped up on a lot of benadryl.

Blogging typically takes on a more conversational tone.

And when Damon Huard throws another pass three yards short of his receiver? There are very few “Aw, golly gosh jeepers!” from my mouth nor are there many from my father’s.

Words have power, but only the power you give them.

Bones. It's not just a noun it's a verb. Not just a nickname, a movement.

by Ridiculous Matt on Sep 20, 2008 9:30 PM CDT up 0 recs

Great Matt!

Now will they introduce him as Bones Thigpen on CBS?

by Eric Allen on Sep 20, 2008 8:59 PM CDT 0 recs

The real question

is if they’ll mention his major was skeleton sex.

Which he graduated 1st in his class in.

Bones. It's not just a noun it's a verb. Not just a nickname, a movement.

by Ridiculous Matt on Sep 20, 2008 10:43 PM CDT up 0 recs

Is he related

to the man from Nantucket? That could be bad for the skeleton.

by Eric Allen on Sep 20, 2008 11:53 PM CDT up 0 recs

fuckfanfuckingtastic fuck

the fuck word is nothing awful, but this post was great….keep the work up and don’t use the fuck word for fuck’s sake….use it for humor and to emphasize something, just not too much, like i obviously have. i love the post.

Never giving up on your team is what makes you a good fan.

by kcisbetterthanstlateverything on Sep 20, 2008 9:54 PM CDT 0 recs

I was hoping for a photoshop

of skeleton boner kicking matt ryan into the pit of death from sparta…

“This is how I DO IT!” then he goes home and bangs the skeletons in his closet, because he is just that badass.

Can you be man enough to bang the skeletons in your closet? NO! You pussies all leave them there, alone and not being banged. This guy though…

have you seen my baseball?

by IISaiNtII on Sep 20, 2008 11:22 PM CDT 0 recs

Best Post Ever

I am in Atlanta and I will be screaming for Bones all game long….I cannot wait until some of the Falcons fans ask me why I am calling him that. It is going to be a priceless conversation

by skibum1537 on Sep 21, 2008 10:05 AM CDT 0 recs