In honor of the historic election this week the PARADEBULATION will introduce some new features while hopefully maintaining all the PARADEisms that PARADEOphiles have grown to know and love.
The Chiefs are currently what we like to call THE BEST EFFING ONE AND SEVEN TEAM IN FOOTBALL! The Chargers at #2 are realizing their potential to, shall we say, "soil their linens" or "merde le lit?"
That said, Primetime in discussing this week's PARADEBBULENCE was concerned that the "chargers" are too abstract a concept for the PARADE to visually mock in the same vein as "retarded dolphins" or "gay broncos."*
Well, the PARADE had only one response to that...
Touche, Primetime, touche.
Of course, as all our learned readers know, "charger" in addition to being an electronic device, was originally a reference to a horse:
The resemblance is uncanny, no?
"I will be your knight in shining armour
Riding across the desert with a fine arab charger"
Without Jason Elam in the AFC West to protect us, who will?
Makes it too easy, doesn't he?
Next, we'd like to address the speculation that the Chiefs are only a few missed plays, calls, slip-ups from being in playoff contention at 4-4.
We have to concur with Primetime's sentiments in that being envious of mediocrity is suicide in the long term. We're just fine with losing and draft picks as long as development is happening. Also, the Pats game wasn't that close, let's be honest.
And now, a word from Mitch Hedburg on false hopes:
"I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes."
The Chiefs best chance this week is to try to shut down LT and get in Marmalard's head.
As Whale's Vagina blogger "Bolts from the Blue" oh so un PC-ly noted, an optimistic version of the Charger's strategy is if "LT creates a trail of tears for the Chiefs."
So the question is can Gun and our injury beleaguered backfield show up three weeks in a row and stuff LT? If so We think our corners could pick some of Rivers' infamous wobbly crumpled napkin passes setting off his Ryan Leaf-esque temper.
Then on offense We think San Diego is totally looking passed us, so we'll need Charles to stay healthy and hope that either the Whale's Vag hasn't figured out spread OR more likely, that Herm will have the guts/material to keep getting creative, cause we don't win this in a slug fest. Of course San Diaahhhgho has shown 2007-Chiefs-like ability to poop the bed.
Now for some Fantasian Futbolling Advice:
Hmm, not all that unlike fellow SB Blogger Bolts from the Blue:
This week Mewelde Moore may have been carlessly discarded upon Willie Parker's brief return. We say pick him up, they way Ben Rothgrasthname has been getting pummelled, Mewelde's gonna get more carries than a 70's Cuban coke mule.
Also, we hate Jay Cutler for starting off the PARADE's opponent with 31 points this week? Why do the Brown's have to be so terrible? We'll tell you why, because the one monday night game Braylon Edwards decides to have a career game is when the PARADE's opponent starts him, and the PARADE's already locked up a 20 point lead. Also, Brady Quinn is the most annoying closet homosexual on the planet.
Your gametime snack of the week is...
Hot Pockets... Yeah, that's right, deal with it. What? You wanted Julia Child every week? And frankly if you're one of those people who claims not to like hot pockets, well then you probably hate freedom, and puppies, and bottle rockets.
Instead we'll be plugging KC native, and voice of KC's season of Hard Knocks, Paul "I was in Clueless" Rudd's latest film: Role Models.
Why you say, well we feel this oddly NSFW? drawing should explain everything.
Yeah, that just happened.
Rogue Dead Guy, it's tasty, it comes in a jug if your lucky, and it's like 6.5% which is awesome. If you haven't tried it, you're missing out. Drink it slow and enjoy, drink it fast and you'll be drunk, but We recommend keeping it cold.
A couple things that should blow your mind:
First, an obligatory Mighty Boosh clip:
Annnd the follow up to the last "It's always sunny in Philadelphia" clip:
Last, well, we'll be honest, we had some reservations about even posting this last video. We've been a fan of the song for some time, but never seen the video before, it does tie in the Chargers and Mick Jagger well though, but it's pretty weird even by PARADE standards, so be warned:
*The PARADE would point out that "retarded dolphins" and "non-mentally handicapped dolphins" as well as "straight" and "gay broncos" will be equally derided under the PARADEBULATION's new administration. Based on their respective humor of course.