Finals are disturbingly nigh for the PARADE so we apologize for this delayed and abbreviated PARADEBULATION.
Well, it's Raiders' week again and the AP is in full-on depression reuptake tailspin mode. Seriously, the PARADE is so sick of reading redundant diatribes about everything wrong with the Chiefs that we considered pretending this was an Eagles blog and doing an in depth study of Donovan McNabb (topics would include: barfing, NFL rules, Campbell's Chunky soup, indifference to "black quarterback discussions," and mittens).
So for lack of time and out of general disillusionment with the discourse here at the AP, we're gonna probably have to fake our way through the PARADEbutation?
Rest assured there still will be silly pictures.
First, let us say that in the morning when we look forward to checking out the AP after the news and email, this is generally our mood:
The McNabb post was gonna tie in the purple hat with "Silky Garrard" and how the 70's Namath QB/pimp revival died with Jake the Snake's stache.
Then we read a couple posts and comments about how the Chiefs at 1-10 may actually have a few problems. Then, once we finish gasping, and put the paper bag down, it's our own personal Altamont. We think back to a young PARADE who once believed Steve DeBerg or Dave Kreig could win a Superbowl, who was sure George Brett at 40 was due for his .400 season, and was outraged at Kevin Seitzer and Danny Tartabull's continual snubbing at the All-Star selections. Well after that we're all...
Creepy Charlie Watts, creepy.
"the mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heav'n of hell, a hell of heav'n." -John Milton Paradise Lost
We're starting to realize what turned us off to the Royals originally, even before the asinine spaceball cut-off jerseys and incorporating black (there's a theme there for the English majors reading [emoticon wink]), it was talk radio.
"Hey hey we've got Duane on from Chillicothe"
"Hey long time listener first time caller."
"Great to hear, what's up D-man"
"Well, you know, I think the real problem is the our lack of pitching."
"Well I think you got a point there (blah blah generalize) loss of Kevin Appier (blah etc.)"
Meanwhile, they have the highest ERA in the league and lowest combined batting average and neither acts like the point is so incredibly beyond the point of discussion that we the listener feel stupider for having listened to it. This is probably our personal peeve dear reader so we apologize for sucking you down our rabbit hole of things that make us consider self-immolation.
But really, if Van Hager could manage to put this little insight on their Live Right Here, Right Now album art:
What is understood, need not be discussed.
then you'd think Jim Rome could grasp that?
A quick note on Jim Rome (in our defense we had a summer job in high school that exposed us to a lot of sitting in trucks listening to AM radio), one time Rome made this joke about Daryll Strawberry's coke use by calling him Daryll "Snozzberry," yeah, mildly amusing at best. Rome goes on to use it at every commercial break or possible opportunity for the next hour, all the while chortling to himself. We hate Jim Rome from his d-bag goatee to the pointless hyperbole to the yelling that drowns out the soft pinging of his loan brain cell bouncing from skull wall to wall like an old atari game.
I guess if there's a point to all that is that sports talk radio sucks and that negative insights take far less effort and creativity than positive ones or at least balanced ones.
The website calls him "Gundabad, the Raider"
We started Donovan McNabb who already forgot the meaning of the word "tie." Why didn't you?
The PARADE is bitter so Primetime doesn't get the Curry Cumin Carnitas Breakfast Burrito recipe this week, hope you're happy people. Instead the PARADE wishes there was some dijon for all this turkey. No colors anywhere We want them to turn black.
Bud Dry, it's a recession and they're $3.75 for a sixer of donkey d*cks (16 oz. cans)
Why ask why indeed?
We're in finals mode, why are you drinking anyway?
God forbid the Chiefs win, there'll be nothing to comment on, except maybe how we're bitter that they couldn't lose and "expose" to the world how right we were about some new aspect of their terribleness?
Does anyone really think that serious football analysis could be drawn from an outcome determinative evaluation of these two teams?
It's like racing two turds down a toilet bowl, get real.
We'd like to see a win just because it's the Raiders. Also it'd be fun to see Thigpen put a up a lot of points because we read in today's Washington Post that the average score of games has gone up about 5 points since 2001. This might be enough to shift our cautiously skeptical views of the staying power of the spread offense to cautiously optimistic. The NFL like big plays and high scores and have altered the rules to accommodate it, the Chiefs might actually be ahead of the curve for once.
We owed Primetime at least something, so we're were saving it for Broncos week, but here you go, we don't know what body part this is, and we'd like to keep it that way. Also, kinda looks like Champ Bailey and Chad Pennington, no?
Offended, not so much as a Chiefs fan, more as someone who thinks that blow-up doll psuedo lynchings are not too cool brah.
Okay, so the mad max, stupid skull make-up thing we sorta get, "you're being pirate-y," but ah yes, when we think of the glory days of John Madden and young Marcus Allen we think of a buxom oddly muscley angel(?) provacatively wrapping herself around a handgun?
So our enemy's enemy is therefore our friend? (Slight NSFpuritanicalW or Digestion)
They definitely win the award for most airbrushed logo in the AFC west.
Whoa, there Tyler, settle down, that's just Al Davis.
With that low-hanging fruit we bid you aduie for the week.
One last minute note: We meant to include this since it's technically football related, and well because it's rarely the PARADE feels as if our very consciousness, our intellect, our very soul has been plaguerized, only to be used in the most brilliant way possible. The entire post represents in someways the PARADE's basic philosophies and truths in the art of seduction and the ways of love and is well worth the read, but here's our choicest quote:
thats what 10’s like. Keeping It Real. they may say they want Tom Brady but in reality they want a Joe Namath who will get silly-drunk and walk around the living room in their girlfriends high heels pretending he’s a duck just for a laugh.
Here's the link (there's nothing inherently NSFW about that post except a less scantily clad than usual pretty lady and some questionable language; however, we doubt you want that URL bouncin around your work computer's web history).