Our sincere apologies the PARADEBAHOLICS out there. The PARADE, we've been down 2 weeks in a row due to technical difficulties and 'personal responsibilities,' lame, we know.
Well the PARADEBULATION is back, and what is there to say?
A lot, the PARADE's pretty bewildered by what's come to pass of late.
We'll get to that but first, with it being a day after Halloween and all, we'd think this would be a great opportunity to make some gay pirate jokes about the Tampa Bay Bucaneers (not to mention their former logo), but as you well know gentle reader, the PARADE is way above that.
Yep, waaay above that...
Yep, class act, that's us...
Editor's Note: NOT actually us metaphorically or literally.
Now, before jumping in, let PARADE offer a brief commentary on Jon Grunden and his Bullsh*t tough guy attitude. We respect his coaching style, he appreciates defense yet (unlike some coaches) somehow grasps that this is complemented by an aggressive offensive philosophy.
That said, dude's a tool. Seriously, Exhibit A would be his "squabble" with Rich Gannon. Gannon was "fighting with his coach," Gruden on the other hand, well, Jon's a "squabbler." Furthermore, call us crazy but the PARADE thinks his tough guy attitude might have more to do with being a baby-faced, blonde, no "h" jon, who wears visors and was probably called "pretty" rather than "handsome" well into his 20's, than any Trey Hillmanesque "Grit."
Now for a brief political commentary, we hesistate to make any substantive commentary as UCrawford would lay into the PARADE with a breakdown of Coolidge vs. Harding administration taxation vs. employment breakdown (to be fair UCrawford was 100% correct about the Brodie Croyle question, the PARADE was a little to caught up in the Brodacity of Hope).
When my late father T. Coddington Van Voorhees VI founded the iconoclastic conservative journal National Topsider in 1948, he famously declared that "Now is the time for all good conservative helmsmen to hoist the mizzen, pour the cocktails, and steer this damned schooner hard starboard."
Substantive Football Analysis:
What to say, another long shot game. The bad news, the Chiefs are still pretty terrible, the Bucs aren't nearly as pass happy as the Broncos or Jets (our game changer seems to be demoralizingly strong DB play against reckless QBs). The Bucs also have pass rush that doesn't have to telegraph itself to Bones and the "Ribcage Spreader" offense.
The good news? Jeff Garcia might get distracted by this post. The Bucs have been lousy on the road this season. Gruden is (almost as) equally bull-headed and predictable in his run by committee conservative offense. It's close to Halloween which should have bones feelin pretty good. Seriously though, the novelty of the Chiefs "Big South Conference" offense may not have worn off enough that the game should turn on it's success (hopefully [meaning it was not a demoralizing defensive soul crusher and runaway Buc's rush fest]).
The week in FANTASY piracy:
Know what would make this more "fantastical" is if the computer generated woman did have the butterfly tat on her CGI'd tah tah and didn't have a LAZY EYE!"
This isn't a fantasy woman so much as an off duty stripper part-timing at Applebees, complete with eye patch.
The PARADE is holding strong despite this beautiful scenario: SF & NO bye week with Frank Gore, Duece McAllister (thanks Duece!), Issac 'Gramps' Bruce, Lance 'Waiver Flex' Moore, AND L.J. (seriously, could draw this out some more maybe?).
So what to do? Justin Fargas (why? we have no effing idea why, people seem to like him? meh, we're screwed). Annnd, wait for Ricky "cause I got high" Williams, crazy? sure. But Denver's got a terrible run D, and the Morris "wildcat" game has gotten predictable, so why not? Beats Leon Washington. And we get to use this again:
A Gametime Snack:
Bacon: 3 ways.
You ever been to a fancy resturant or at least watch that Top Chef show where they culinarily fellate themselve by making a basic ingredient gross, then normal, then a fancy name for something so incredibly basic that you'd be insulted if they served it by itself? The they call it #### 3 ways (or a flight of #### if its more than 3).
"Ahh here we have nutter butter tapioca, a homemade drumstick sans cone with honey roasted ice cream, and finally a Sri Lankan formely Ceylon P.B.&J."
That's not a $40 appetizer, that's good day at a county fair.
That said, we present Bacon 3 ways: a BLTinini (their word not mine), ghetto quiche crackers, and baconwich.
The BLTini is easy once you obtain the key ingredient:
Mix with V8, perhaps a Slim Jim Stirrer? Serve chilled in a frou frou shot class on a plate.
Sound gross? It's gotta be better than the PARADE's idea for a Stoli & Kikko.
Ghetto Quiche: This one's deceptively simple. You know that frying pan you have that's too small, that everytime you use ends with you spiling stuff on your hot stove? Take that one. Turn your oven on to something low like 250 degrees or so. Then, make sure you pre-fry your bacon, the PARADE reccomend minimum 10 strips for this and the sandwiches, then layer with paper towels. Next, you'll need some Wonder or Iron Kids or other easily maleable white bread.
Now the G.Q. is basically just an omlette, but use 3-4 eggs scrambled (cream, not milk and only a little, watery is the enemy here), 5-6 bacon strips (crumbled), and then 1-1.5 slices of bread (all ripped up and soaked in egg). Undercook slightly and then place the entire pan in the oven (pay attention to the handle if it's plastic, you should be cool, but the PARADE's not looking to get sued). After about 15 minutes you should be solid, the goal is a nice cassarole consistency.
Cut up into poorly formed squares, place on triscuits, garnish individually (some use parsley, the PARADE likes Bacon bits).
Last, the bacon sandwich. Lay strips of cruncy bacon length-wise across slice of white bread, cover with slice of white bread, cut diagonally (classy eh?).
If you must, you may 'toast' the bread and use a little of that seedy brown mustard, but NOTHING else, this is minimalism you plebe.
Then serve on a oblong white plate and jabber about flavor combinations until you get hungry and lay into the rest of your omlette.
Like that, but with BACON.
Errr, sorta, the Chelada is a delicious new concoction, that guarantees if the Bacon didn't blow up you blood pressure it will. Basically, the key is the Clamato, do NOT, and we repeat, DO NOT attempt your own homemade Clamato recipe, go to the store, and buy it. Modelo (pictured above) works well, as does Corona or Pacifico, just make sure it's a lighter beer (NOT a light beer though). Then season to taste, the PARADE likes a little Old Bay Seasoning and Tabasco in a 2 beer to 1 clamato mix with a lemon juice squirt. All these warnings are to save Chiefs fans from their worst ever heartburn. Budweiser has a pre-fab chelada product (aka heartburn in a can). Experiment with a small sample serving before settling into a chelada exclusive football viewing experience.
AND FINALLY FOR SOMETHING AWESOME AND MIND BLOWING
First the Boosh:
And NOW something the PARADE's new favorite show "It's always sunny in Philadelphia."