"The Horror, the horror"

(warning: link might be slightly nsfw if your employer cannot appreciate one the greatest films of all time)

Well, well, well Paradaphiles and Paradaphilies, we apologize for coming to you so late this Saturday, but the PARADE needs bye-weeks too (also our new feature may excuse some of our tardiness).

Since there's no sense in doing a two-week Titans preview (trust us Kerry Collins and Vince Young got a doosy planned for the Paradiacs), we'll begin our dive into what is the first, and hopefully last, installment of absurdist Chief's theatre.

For those of you following the PARADE's ramble, we've devised a dream of Kansas City becoming the Dadaist, Post Modern, Sports Irony capital of the world.

As such this week's PARADEBULATION will be a little more rambling than most but will hopefully help you the Chiefs' fan reach an ironic serenity, also we'll still have most of our usual features, possibly only ironicially, and a bonus BYE WEEK DRINKING GAME to change your life.

Ahh but first a brief explanation of what we mean by Post Modern by the foremost expert on "PoMo" in the world...

Moe Szyslak:

via www.lardlad.com

Moe:	Welcome to "m," hah?  Heh, heh.  So, what do you think of 
	the new joint?
Lenny:	Wow, this place looks like it's from the not-too-distant 
	future.
Moe:	Yeah.  You like it, Homer?
Homer:	[looking at live rabbits wiggling in harnesses suspended 
	from the ceiling] Um, the rabbits are cute.
Lenny:	Eh, that one ain't moving.  [points to a still rabbit]
Moe:	[snaps, summoning an aide] Uh, change number 7.
Carl:	I don't get all this eyeball stuff.  Uh, what are they 
	supposed to represent?  Uh, eyeballs?
Moe:	It's po-mo!  [blank stares from all]
	Post-modern!  [more staring]
	Yeah, all right -- weird for the sake of weird.
Guys:	Oooh!

Thanks for the lack of youtube Fox.

Between the Royals' ummm, success[?] of late, and the PARADE's sincere hope that the Chiefs truly aren't more than a year or two out of from a return to form this all hopefully premature.  However, in the event that both sports team do nose dive, here's a guide to how we can make losing cool, or at least not be Cleveland.

FIRST, I have a message for the worn out (FIRE HERM/CARL) let's blame the organization fans.  We know what we know, relax, we're not the Lions or the Rams, while our record is not reflective, the team IS getting better, right now we're on pace to go 4-12 which is what was expected.  Break out the torches and pitchforks in the offseason, for now there's nothing we can figure out from One Arrowhead drive until this season's dust settles.  In short, take it away Mr. Kimble:

So just relax, unless they actually do or say something let's cool it on the easiest target rants.

Next, let's embrace the sweet irony in losing when we lose.  Royals Review has put a literary spin their total numbness to sports emotion.  As an even more testosterone-intensive groupthink sport, we feel that the Chiefs' fans can take ironic "football is dead, we are free from the W/L column to explore whether Damon Huard's fantasy football standing further grinds the shards of his shattered psyche."

So ONTO ZEE FANTASY FOOSBALL!

via 6.media.bustedtees.com

To clarify, PoMo Ironic sports fandom is distinct from Emo-y ironic t-shirt buying Hipster sports fandom (See The Emo Eagles).  Although Mr. Vanderleer has some trademark questions that need answering.

No, no, we more need to embrace the HermStache, the EvilTonyDungyTwin, The Gonzo's Magic Talent Hair Gel, Brodie Bangs and Huard on a Rascal type of irony.  We celebrate, not mope.

In this sense, our Fantasy pick is My tiny Darren!  Ahh, yes, Olathe North's own Darren Sproles, because hell, LT's big toe has gotta explode eventually.  And as San Diego or as we call it, Whale's Vagina, will find out you can only run a franchise back for so long until the machinery breaks down.  Maybe it won't be this week, but Sproles is due for a Kolby Smithsonian game in the not so distant future.

 INTERVEB KOMMENTARY!:

Republicans, Dadaist Declare War on Art...Chiefs Already Surrender.

via www.theonion.com

Oh, The Onion, what can't you do?  Clearly Sarah Palin and Herm occasionally swap speech writers, however Herm makes up his own strategy up while Palin tends to crib Colbert's punchlines.

Chiefs' Nostalgia:

via ak.buy.com

'Nuff said.

A Gameday Recipe:

Gruel

via herokids.files.wordpress.com

Seriously, buy some McCann's Instant oatmeal, boil some water, throw it in.  The PARADE likes to season with old cookie crumbs, but you can use brown sugar.  Chicks dig it cause it seems wholesome and healthy.  Add a little coffee and your a lit rocket with about a 15-45 minute fuse (interpret that joke to your own taste).  And really, you're still having cookies for breakfast.

Also, check out the Oatmeal babeage:

via www.mccanns.ie

Who do you think made the call on the hat selection in the McCann's ad agengy?

A Beer:

via www.moonbattery.com

SPATEN...it uhhh, it tastes... tastes like BEER!

It's pretty tasty and also on sale at COSTCO lately.  I was gonna suggest High Life as the alternative to the hipster fave PBR, but PBR is an okay beer and High Life tastes like rust and hangovers.  So let's admit it, we're all elitists and we like good beer even if it costs 3 dollars more.

Like you were looking at the beer anyway (look at the nails on that stein, she knows exactly what she's doing to you America, strumpet!).

A Couple Things That Will Blow Your Mind That You Have Yet To Hear About:

Ladies and Paradelmen, I present to you...

STUMP

This is world's best new drinking game.

For STUMP you will need...

A)

via schusterstumpremoval.com

A Stump, preferably woodlike

B)

via www.finehouse.net

Nails, the larger the better, possibly an upper limit of railroad spikes.

AND last but not least,

C)

via i187.photobucket.com

A hammer.

These are the rules: The nails are driven in slightly into the stump.  Each player places their finger on a nail indicating their ownership of said nail.  Then once everyone stands a safe distance back (obviously having removed their declarative digits) players take turns flipping the hammer, catching it, and driving in other player's nails.  This must all be done in one fell swoop.  If your nail is struck, you must drink, once your nail is driven completely in, you must consumer.  If as the hammer operator you fail to hit any nail, you drink, and if you drop the hammer, you drink.

A good variation is REAL SUPER AWESOME ULTIMATE STUMP, which is better for big groups, neophites, and really drunk people.  It's the same rules but eliminates the flip move for simply a requirement that the hammeree raise the hammer above their head.

So enjoy kids, and don't sue, and keep a sure grip.

Now for another nifty Mighty BooSH clip (for crissakes click the hyperlink to the wikipedia entry about them), for those of you not familar the BOOSH has a live show that's apparently obscene and for kids...  In the honor of STUMP, enjoy, this very NSFW video:

Well, that wasnt' really where the PARADE wanted to go with this, but hey, you got STUMP didn't you, and that one great beermaid picture, sheesh...

*This appears to be the PARADE's column's new  title (see the pevious PARADEBAROO's naming credits, you know like for respekt and sh*t).  Feel free to volunteer new suggestions in the comments.